Under Construction:

Christmas!

2011-12-30T16:20:00.001-08:00

Wow, did we have fun!

Meerkat cleans up nice! :) Her hair is long enough to do fun hairstyles now.

Can't show you his face, so you'll just have to imagine all the cuteness lurking behind those 3-D glasses. Believe me, it's a lot of cuteness. :)

Enjoying the BIG gift - a kitchen playset! We spent 4 hours putting that thing together. I'm happy they enjoy it. :)

I can't wait until next Christmas!!!!!!!!

Alive

2011-12-21T06:18:00.000-08:00

Wow. I have so much to catch you up on. It's been a whirlwind around here for a while, and I've been busier than I've ever been in my life, but I finally found a moment to steal away and write.

Our family has grown by one... but not in the way you are thinking. We recently became foster parents to a beautiful little boy. He's very bright, in fact, I think he's the smartest two year old I've ever met. He's only here for a short time, but we are cherishing every moment we get to spend with this special little man. I'll call him "Little Mr." here, as I can't/won't reveal his real name for his privacy's sake. But, I'm getting ahead of myself, and I'm sure you all want some background... so let me go back in time a little bit:

I was never truly interested in foster care, when we started our adoption journey. I know how emotional I am, and I feared that I would develop too strong an attachment (my new thoughts on this are a post for another time) to these children, and that a little piece of me would die each time they left, until finally there would be nothing left of me to give to other children. After taking the foster/adopt classes during our homestudy, we felt even more conflicted about foster care, since the ultimate goal is always reunification, even in some of the most serious removal circumstances. It broke my heart to think of returning a child to a potentially abusive situation. (Please don't judge me too critically for these thoughts; they were my own, and I am making myself quite vulnerable by sharing them.)

Our social worker asked us to be open to the possibility of fostering, and we said we'd think about it. Eventually, we decided that we would foster, if and only if the child was eligible for adoption. We thought this was a nice, happy medium. And then our phone rang...

and it rang...

and rang...

Over and over again, we were getting called with potential situations: A _ week old child with broken bones and possible molestation. A _ year old child who was left in the car while mom shopped. A _ year old and a newborn with drug addiction. A _ year old who's mom just left town. The list goes on and on. The information was always minimal.

[Tangent] I think this is one of the hardest parts of getting into fostering. When you get that referral call, your heart races, just like with an adoption match. But, the information is severely limited. We were constantly told: "It's an emergency placement." or "We don't even know his/her name yet." or "No clue if this will turn into an adoptable case or not." or "Can you pick him/her up right now?" It's hard to have to make a decision in literally 5 minutes. And that's truly all you get in some of these cases. For instance, in the first case mentioned above, we said we'd do it. We gave our confirmation about 10 minutes after receiving the call. Our social worker called us back to tell us she/he was already placed with someone else. Obviously, our main concern was that the child was in a safe place, so we were fine with that. But, it's silly to not be realistic... our hearts were chipped. [End Tangent]

It seemed like there was never any clue as to whether these children were adoptable or not... we soon learned foster care doesn't work like that. Usually, it's not known until late in the game if the child will be adoptable, and at that point, the current foster parents will (sometimes) adopt the child.

But suddenly, that whole "adoptable" thing didn't matter as much anymore. Don't get me wrong, we ultimately want to adopt again, and our preference would be to have a child in our home who is adoptable. But, the phone calls about these children were wrenching our hearts right out of our bodies, so we changed our minds and began considering fostering non-adoptable children. We said no to some; we just weren't ready (housewise and emotionally in some instances). We said yes to some, but we were always too late.

Then, the day before my birthday, the phone rang again. A little boy was ready to be picked up at that moment. He would most likely be returned to his parents, as their offenses were somewhat minor compared to other cases. But still, we didn't have much knowledge and weren't sure what his name was or even what the particulars of the case were. So, we said yes immediately and went to get him.

Wow. The moment that door swung open and that smudge-faced little boy hobbled in in his PJs was a moment I will remember all my life. He was so adorable. We played and got to know each other for a little while, and then we took him home. He's been with us now for a couple months, and in that time we've grown VERY attached to him. However, I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was, because all I want is for this darling little boy to find his way back to his parents. It's quite clear how much they love him, and that they've taken excellent care of him prior to all this. He talks like a 3 year old. He helps clean up. He puts himself to sleep. He is potty trained. He gets along with Meerkat and treats her nice 90% of the time. Etc. Etc. Etc. Visitations have been wonderful. We've met his parents. I think that's an important part of fostering (as I'll write in my attachment post later). He'll probably be with us for a few more weeks (though we still don't know particulars... it could be days or months).

I'm cherishing every moment we have with him. He will forever be a part of our lives and family, even after he returns to his own family. We love him dearly.

Stay tuned. I am still confused and conflicted about parts of the fostering process, and as I'm working through all my feelings and thoughts, I plan to write more posts about things like foster-loss, attachment, visitations, etc.

Wordless Wednesday (Wig Edition)

2011-10-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

AKA Toddlers and Tiara's Reject Edition:

Rambling...

2011-10-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, on a lonely Saturday night, missing my husband who is away working for the weekend. I pick him up bright and early in the morning, meaning I should be sleeping so I can wake up and get meerkat ready and head out the door. But, I can't sleep...

I've had a headache all day, and when I get these headaches, it usually affects my mood and makes me feel a bit down in the dumps. Combine that with a sleeping baby, quiet house, tons of work to do, and a list of things that need doing that will never end, and you have one rattled woman. I'm not rattled in the sense that I'm depressed or unnerved... I just contemplate a lot in times like these. A lot a lot...

I tend to think about the future when I'm in these moods. In the past, I would ponder whether or not I would ever be a mommy. I would question God and the Universe about why exactly I was "cursed" with this horrible condition that causes me to be infertile. I would wonder if we would ever have enough money to afford adoption. I wondered if we would ever be chosen. I wondered if we would be happy. Would we make it? Would our baby love us and think of us as her parents? Would we want an open adoption? Would we want a foster/adopt scenario? Would we want an infant? Would we do international adoption? Would we try to get a surrogate? What would we do? Would I be an "old" mother? Would I have a big family, like I've always dreamed of? Where would the money come from? If we found a way to afford one, how would we afford another? If we found a way to afford two, how would we afford three? etc. You can see, my brain gets carried away when left to itself.

Now, so many of those questions have been answered - I have a daughter. We managed to afford it. We're still paying for the adoption, and will be for some time, but we're able to do it. My daughter loves me; I have no doubt. We're happy. We've made it this far. ... And yet, so many other questions have yet to be answered.

Tonight, my mind wanders to our future children -- children who may very well be here soon... children who may be far away. Tonight, I wish I had a crystal ball.

A million things...

2011-09-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

I have a million things to say... I don't know where to start.

I'm in the process of composing a post, but it will probably be enormous... Stay tuned.

Wordless Thursday (since I missed Wednesday by an hour)

2011-08-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

1 Year!

2011-08-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Meerkat,
You've been one for nearly a month now, and you're more playful than ever. We can't keep you still... which is one reason that Mommy has taken so long to post this letter.

I can't believe it's been a year now since you were born. A year ago, on your birthday, I was anxious, nervous, excited, happy, worried, sick, and in love. You were the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. Your scrunched up little face and swollen cheeks were just begging to be kissed.

I could have held you forever. But, we felt like visitors for a lot of that day. We came and went, visited you, visited A, had meals, slept at our hotel, etc. We wanted so much to just take you home and snuggle you forever. Our hearts were so full of so many feelings. We loved you already. We couldn't have loved you more. And yet, our hearts were aching for A, who in the other room was facing one of the most difficult decisions of her life. We had no expectations, only hopes and dreams. And by the grace of God, A made those dreams come true. And we hope that you always think of A with love in your heart, especially on your birthday. She loves you so much, and I know she thinks of you often. Despite our heavy emotions that day, we were all very smiley, including A, whose story is for our families only. We love her so much, and we're so grateful that she blessed us with such a beautiful, smart, funny little girl.

Once we got you home, we couldn't have been more smitten. We didn't really cry at the hospital, but once we got you home, we couldn't hold back the tears. Daddy and Mommy just sat on the bed holding you, staring into your beautiful face, and cried together.

Oh, sweet girl, you had us wrapped around your finger. I didn't think it was possible to feel such strong attachment and responsibility for another human being. But those feelings were suddenly there, as if they had always been there. You were our daughter, and I would do anything for you. And as this year has passed, my heart has filled more and more and more.

I have been amazed at your development. You went from a small little baby who could do nothing to a small child who is beginning to walk around the house with a little bit of attitude. :)

I know this letter is different from the others, because it isn't filled with accomplishments, developments, etc. But I wanted to just spend some time letting you know how special you are, and how thankful we are for you. We love you so much. You've melted Mommy's heart, and you've made me feel so proud. I love to show you off to people and hear them compliment your beauty. I love to play games with you and make you laugh. I love everything about you, including your smelly little vinegar toes. Sometimes, I just sit and sniff them over and over again. One day you'll read this and think I'm crazy, but then later you'll have a child of your own, and you'll realize how intensely I love you and how much I cherish everything about you. I love your boogers. Can you believe that? Me, the woman who washes her hands a million times a day and worries about walking by garbage cans... the woman who panics over the thought of smelling bad, and who thinks looking at other people's feet is a little gross... Me... I would live between your toes, if I could.

Dear Meerkat, please always know in your heart just how much I love you. I know someday you'll be a teenager, and you'll think Mommy's mean or not cool. You'll get mad at me from time to time. I just hope that you will always carry in your heart the love I feel for you. You are the reason I live, work, breathe... the reason I wake in the morning. I'm so grateful for you. You and Daddy are my whole world, and I am so proud of my little family.

I love you!

<3,
Mommy

Happy to be 1

2011-07-17T11:14:00.001-07:00

1st Birthday

2011-07-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, Meerkat had her first birthday party, and it was a huge success!

I will be posting her monthly letter soon. Things have been hectic around here lately, due to having family in town for her birthday, and then the clean up and working that followed. So, anticipate that letter during this weekend.

In the meantime, enjoy some pictures from Meerkat's party:

I made Moo.se and Z.ee cupcakes and cake. The cupcakes turned out great, but the cake's feet fell off, and the antlers melted in the heat during transport and couldn't be attached. So, it was a sort of moose.

She didn't know what to do with the cake. She just poked at it awhile, and then put her hands in her hair. That was pretty much the extent of her cake eating. :)

She got lots of great presents, but she had more fun playing with the bows and making funny faces. :)

Three one year olds! My cousin's son, Meerkat, and my sister's son. :) So cute!!!

It was a busy time, but it was great. We all enjoyed the day, and Meerkat had a lovely birthday.

Stay tuned for the monthly update.

First Birthday Plans

2011-06-25T10:26:00.001-07:00

We're doing a Moo.se and Z.ee theme for the birthday party, since those are the Nic.k jr. characters that Meerkat loves the most. I'm going to make a Moos.e cake and Z.ee cupcakes. I'm pretty excited about them, and I hope they turn out nicely.

I handmade all the invitations by drawing, cutting, and pasting characters and writing the party information in white crayon on a black construction paper chalkboard. However... a week and a half after reserving the pavilion, I find out that all the pavilions at that particular park have already been reserved. I'm livid that I didn't get this notification sooner, as I've already written the pavilion number on all the invites. I don't know what to do about this. I'm still trying to figure it out, but her party is only a couple weeks away, and I need to get these things in the mail.

We haven't gift shopped yet, but I think we'll be getting her a little ride-on toy, some clothes, and maybe some books or wooden puzzles. She loves to play, so I'm excited to see what toys she gets.

I can't believe it's been a year already. Where did the time go??? This time last year we were a ball of nerves and excitement. Wow. I can't believe how quickly time goes.

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

to the best, most considerate, thoughtful, helpful, caring, and nurturing man. I love you! And your daughter is so lucky to have you for a daddy.

XOXOXO

11 Months!

2011-06-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Meerkat:

Eleven months old already??? One more month until you're ONE! One more month of babyhood. Then, you start to become a "big girl." Although, in so many ways, you're already showing your big girl independence.

You play independently for long stretches. It's so much fun to watch you examine your toys. You'll spin things in your hands, over and over, figuring them out. You push buttons, fill and empty things, climb, walk, and what I can only assume is make believe. You'll put your toys in your mouth and wave your arms around like crazy, and hum or squeal. You jibber jabber in your playpen at nothing.

You've pretty much outgrown your jumperoo. I'm sad because you loved it so much for so long. It seems like we just bought it, and already it's time to take it down... or pass it on to a cousin.

Since we're talking about toys, let's talk about your favorite toy this month. We bought you a small toy kitchen, about 14 inches tall. And you LOVE it. It sings and makes sound effects. When it plays a song, you will wriggle and wiggle and dance. You love the faucet the most, it seems. You will continuously make it say "on/off on/off on/off." It came with a toy pot, a large toy spoon, and some toy food. If we pretend to feed you from the toy spoon, you'll smack your lips and make a "mmm" sound. It's really adorable, and amazing to me that you already have such a vivid imagination. It's hard to believe that so few months ago, you couldn't even reach out for a toy.

Oh yeah... another thing about your kitchen. You like to climb on top of it. Today, you opened the oven door and balanced precariously on the little lip between the nothingness of the open oven and the nothingness on the other side. We decided to just get you the crap down and not worry about snapping a picture of that little incident. We have to watch you very closely, because you will stand on anything that's available. Your balance is good though. Maybe you'll be a gymnast, or a dancer.

This month, you have sprouted more teeth! You now have 4 (two on top and two on bottom) and one more coming in as I write this. You have a good bite now, and so we are giving you more table food. You like macaroni and cheese a lot. You also really love snack time. The crunchies and puffs are your favorite, though you won't turn down a yogurt bite either. You didn't care for black beans the last time we gave them to you, but you love great northern beans. Daddy hates them. He thinks they stink. Mommy thinks they look, taste, and smell delicious! But mommy has always liked beans of all sorts.

Your hair is longer and thicker, but it's hard to tell because it's so curly. I can tell because I wash it, and it gets really long when I detangle it. But then it springs right back against your head. You don't like it when I put bows in your hair anymore, but you'll tolerate them once they're in.

This month, you still babble unintelligibly. And, you say mama and dada, but still with no recognition of the meaning. But, something that you've started doing this month is immitating. We went to OH for your cousin's graduation, and while there, you had a little chair in the yard with fish and bubbles on it. Mommy would say "bubble... bubble... bubble... fish!" and point to the pictures to show you which was which. After a couple times, I would say "bubble" and you would follow it with "Buh" or "Buhpp" and when I would say "fish" you would follow it with "Gih" It was very clear that you were trying to say what I was saying, even though no one would ever guess those were the words you were saying if they didn't hear me say them first.

Oh, and on this visit to OH, you FINALLY got to meet your great Grandma R and Aunt K this month. They've been waiting so patiently to meet you, and thankfully we were able to stop by on our way home this time around. They were so happy to see you, and you entertained them big time! You ripped up a magazine and rode around on it through the living room. You played piano. You crawled around and babbled. Then you ate and passed out. It was a blast.

You are still happy this month - happy about everything. We laugh; you laugh. We move; you laugh. We turn on the TV; you laugh. We play with a toy; you laugh. We put your paci in our mouths; you laugh. We wake you up; you laugh. We put you to bed... okay, you don't always laugh for this. In fact, you mostly hate going to bed. But the other night, when I was putting you to bed, you giggled like a crazy woman for no reason for several minutes.

The newest and most exciting thing you're doing lately is letting go of what you're holding onto and remaining standing. You haven't taken any steps yet, and you're still a little afraid of standing alone. But you do it. And you did it a lot at your Grandma S' house. You stood for well over a minute and a half.

I doubt you'll be walking by your birthday. But I think you'll be walking before 13 months. We'll see if I'm right.

I can't believe this time has gone so fast. Keep growing and developing! Mommy can't wait to see what comes next. You continue to amaze and surprise me every day, and you fill my heart with more love than I can explain in words.

I adore you, Meerkat.

Love,
Mommy

Summer = Awesome!

2011-05-31T20:25:00.001-07:00

Today, we went to the pool with Meerkat for the first time. It was spectacular. It was so much fun to watch her uncertainty and chilliness turn into pure excitement and pleasure. She kicked like a little swimmer, and splashed, and floated in her raft. It was just so much fun!

I can't wait to go back. Summer has always been fun, but Meerkat makes it 100x more fun! :) I love this child:

Want, Want, Want... Work, Work, Work...

2011-05-18T23:51:00.000-07:00

Now that school is out, and I'm done teaching for the summer, I've had a lot of time to think about the things I want. In fact, I'm turning three of these things into goals:

1. Pay off some debt

2. Help my mom get into a new home

3. "Officially" begin our second adoption by the end of the year

So, obviously, these things involve a lot of money. But, I'm going to work extra hard these next three months. EXTRA hard. And hopefully, it will pay off. :) I am so in love with my other job (real estate) that I can't wait to dig my heels in and start getting some more listings and sales. It's so rewarding to help people find houses or sell their homes. So, now that I'm not teaching for the summer, I'm going to focus focus focus. Think of me and wish me well! I'm hoping to get a significant start on #1 by the end of the summer. But it will take a lot of work to get there.

10 months!

2011-05-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Meerkat,

You are SO CUTE!!! This past month has been such a pleasure, because you've started to do adorable little things that I never even imagined when I used to daydream about being your mommy over a year ago.

For instance, you've started waving your little hand to say "hi." to mommy and daddy. You don't wave it back and forth, you open and close your tiny fingers. It's become automatic. If you hear mommy say "Hi baby!" you will immediately start to wave. Sometimes you will stare down at your fingers like you don't know what they're doing. And other times you will wave toward yourself. But regardless, it's so stinkin cute! I need to capture it on video (note to self: do that tomorrow morning!) The other day, I walked into your bedroom in the morning and said "Good morning, baby!" and you raised your little hand off the bar of your crib and waved at me with a big smile on your face. My heart proceeded to melt all over the floor. :)

Even more recently, you've started clapping those precious hands when we say "Yay!" and clap with you.

You've also begun pulling yourself up regularly. Right after my last monthly update, you started doing it a lot. And, now, you'll even do it with one hand. You've also learned how to lower yourself down to the ground without hurting yourself. You're so smart!

One really adorable thing you've started to do lately is get SUPER excited for no reason. You just start to freak out (in a good way) and kick your legs like crazy, and wave your arms around, all while smiling your huge, one-toothed grin and squealing like a tiny maniac. :) I LOVE IT! And, if we pick you up while you're excited, you will kick in the air like you're trying to swim.

This month your hair has gotten longer and fuller. It's insane! It's absolutely beautiful - but it definitely is going to take some maintenance. When I take bows out of your hair, you look like Cosm.o Kra.mer from Seinfe.ld.

You say "mama" and "dada" and "baba" but you have no idea what those things mean yet (or if you do, you aren't letting on). But it's pure magic to hear those words come out of your mouth. Usually it's a string of sounds: "mamamamama" "bababab" "dadada" "mamabadaba" but it doesn't change how much I love hearing you make those sounds. It's just a sign of what's to come! And, I can't wait to hear your little voice saying all sorts of cute things.

This month, your stranger anxiety has gotten stronger. For the last couple months, you've not liked men who you don't know. But I've noticed this intensifying a bit in the last week or two. Sometimes, just looking at a man you don't know can send you into tears, unless mommy or daddy is holding you. I don't want to encourage it, but I have to tell you secretly: I absolutely love it when you cling to me and want me to protect you. :)

You solo play nicely, but you love to play with mommy and daddy the most. Very recently, you've really begun to enjoy reading books with us, and you get upset when we put the book away.

You would play with us all day long, if we'd let you. You love it so much that you try to avoid napping in order to play, even when you're so tired you cry for no reason at all. Sometimes, you'll be playing, and then you'll just lay down for a second like you're exhausted. As soon as mommy or daddy says something, you pop back up like you just took a 2 hour power nap. It's becoming very difficult to get you to nap, but we push through the tears and squeals and twisting and turning, and eventually you fall asleep.
You sleep best at night (and function more happily during the day) if you have two naps: One around 10:30am and another around 2:30 or 3pm.

As for your diet this month, the doctor told us to start transitioning you to table food, so we're trying to do that slowly and carefully. We give you a little bite here and there of our food, as long as it's not too seasoned, and as long as it's cut up really small. You love it. But you still love to have your bottle the best.

You're growing so big and strong! Your little legs are so powerful! I'm amazed at how fast you grow and change in a month's time. We've only got two more months before you're a year old... and I know you'll go through many more changes before that.

I love you so much baby! This month we celebrated mother's day, and it was one of the happiest days I've ever had. I'm so proud to be your mother. And I'm so excited that summer's here and mommy and daddy get to stay home with you all summer!!!! YAY!!!!

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful first official Mother's Day thanks to my loving, wonderful husband. When I woke up this morning, he presented me with my gifts. First, he gave me a beautiful card from him and Meerkat. Then, he gave me a big bag of all my favorite childhood candies: Circ.us Pe.anuts, Swe.et T.arts, Pe.z, and Ni.k-l-ni.ps. Then...

Then...

THEN!!! He presented me with the best gift ever!

My husband spent the last several days writing a story about me... from childhood dreams of being a mother, to finding out about my infertility, to my struggle with it, to our adoption. Oh, but that's not all. Not only did he write the story, but he illustrated it in beautiful white silhouettes that went along with the story. Then, he put it all on black paper and created a book! It's beautiful! And of course I cried. It truly was the best thing he could have given me today. It showed me how well he knows me, how much he cares about me, and it showed his creativity, talent, thoughtfulness, and romanticism.

I love that man.

After all this, we went to church, and then to dinner with my mom and grandma. It was a lovely day!

Of course, I spent a majority of the day thinking of A and all the other birthmothers who have made many other mothers able to celebrate this day for the first time this year. And while I was filled with joy and love today, I was also filled with a hint of sadness. I know that despite her certainty in her decision, despite our open relationship, despite the fact that she has two other children to hug her on mother's day, that a large piece of her heart was here with Meerkat today. And I pray that she was able to have some joy today, despite that sadness.

A, I know you probably will never read this, and that I've told you how we feel about you a number of times. But I have to put it out into the atmosphere as often as possible. You are a wonderful woman who I will love forever. Thank you for your selflessness, for your strength, for your love, and for your trust in us. We love you dearly. Meerkat will always know how much we cherish you, and I'm sure she will grow up loving you as much as we do, and as much as you love her. Happy mother's day today, A. And Happy birthmother's day yesterday. You deserve two special days, and I hope that you were able to relax and have some type of peace this weekend.

And to all you other mothers: first time, expecting, waiting to be expecting, or old hat --- Happy Happy Mother's Day!

Calling all those with curls (or kids with curls)

2011-04-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

So, I have curly hair. But it's really just super wavy curls. Usually I just straigthen my hair, and I'm okay with that. But now, I'm faced with the difficult task of caring for a child with curls... and I mean lots of curls. I don't really know how to handle it. Meerkat has the tightest little curls all over her head. I'm trying to figure out how they will look when they grow out (up?) more. Will she just keep getting a larger and larger afro? Or will her curls begin to stretch out a bit? Will they be excessively frizzy? If you have curly hair, or have a child with curly hair, I'd love some tips. Please share your best "curly hair" secrets. I want my daughter to love her hair - and that's going to start with me learning how to manage it.

Also, if you have pictures of your kids (or self) when they were little and then a little older, to help me see how Meerkat's hair might end up looking, I'd love to see them.

Did you have a happy Easter?

2011-04-24T22:37:00.000-07:00

Because we sure did!

Dear Followers and Lurkers:

2011-04-15T20:24:00.001-07:00

If you have a private website and feel comfortable with the idea, I'd love to follow along. I noticed one of my followers and a couple people who've been lurking, but never officially followed, have private blogs. I would love to be able to share in your journey too! My email address is slking20500 at gmail dot com.

Let's be buddies! :)

9 Months!

2011-04-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Meerkat,

What a month!!! This past month has been a milestone month baby!

First, you got your first tooth! You put Daddy's finger in your mouth, and he felt something sharp. We couldn't really see it very well at first, but we knew it was there. It wasn't long before it made its way through your gums entirely. Now you have a beautiful white little tooth on the bottom righthand side of your mouth. It hurts when you chomp down on our fingers! It's strange how powerful that one little tooth can be. It won't be long before you're eating big girl food. We've already started giving you little biscuits, and you love them!

The very next day (after the tooth discovery) you began to crawl for the first time! You teetered on the brink of crawling for so long, we knew you would be moving forward this month, and sure enough...! We got a video of you crawling the day you started.
Now, you crawl everywhere. We have to constantly wrangle you away from cords, the laundry basket, the cable box, the catfood bowls, and the dining room. We put you in your jumpe.roo and play.pen every so often, until we can successfully babyproof everything to allow you the run of the downstairs.

The day before your nine month birthday, you pulled yourself up for the first time. Daddy laid you down for a nap, but you had other plans. When he went downstairs, you started to cry. He heard you stop for a minute and then start back up, so he went up to get you. And there you were, standing up, holding onto the side of your crib. You haven't done it again, but I'm hoping you will soon, so I can catch it on camera! :)

You're outgrowing all of your clothes. You wear 12 month old clothing now. You zipped right through the 6-9 month clothes so fast that we barely got you to wear all of them once. We bought several things that you wore once and never wore again.

Now that you're mobile, it's hard to get you to pose for pictures. When we put you next to your mouse, you were constantly flipping over,

crawling toward the camera,

pulling her on top of you, etc. We only got a couple good photos. The rest are you flipping around. At one point in the photo shoot, you were trying to get away from the mouse and you hit your head on the wall. :( Both you and Mommy were a bucket of tears. I held you and rocked you while we cried. You ended up with a little red mark for a little while that night. You can see it in some of the pictures.

Sweet baby, keep growing strong and big! I miss your little baby toes and face, but that beautiful little baby is being replaced by a smiling, happy, GORGEOUS little girl. Everyone who sees you (and I mean everyone) compliments you. They are always commenting on your big eyes and long eyelashes. I know I'm biased because I'm your mommy, but I really think you're the most beautiful little girl I've ever laid eyes on. I'm so thankful I get to look at you every day. You're going to grow into such a pretty, intelligent woman. Don't ever let that go to your head! Don't be vain or conceited! Just know in your heart that you are pretty. Be confident!

I love you so so much! Get ready baby, the countdown is on! Only 3 more months until your 1 year birthday. Let the planning begin!!!

Children's Book Alert:

2011-04-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

This is a MUST READ:

Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. I stood in Ta.r.get reading this book, and by the end, I was crying my eyes out. Don't let the cover fool you, it is not a book about going potty. :)

Back on topic...

2011-04-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

Every adoptive parent who worries about the future, or being "not enough," needs to read this post It warmed my heart. And while we have an open adoption, and I hope that Meerkat will always know where she came from, etc. it's helpful to read. Enjoy!

Not Baby Related.

2011-04-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'm having a horrible day. HORRIBLE!

-- I woke up with a splitting headache.
-- Said headache turned into a raging migraine.
-- A deal that I'm working on is going sour, FAST.
-- I offended a potential customer without intending to. She is divorced... I asked for her husband. She was very mean to me.
-- Migraine is currently making waves of nausea strike me -- while I'm teaching.
-- It's super hot in this classroom, and I'm wearing a sweater. I feel like I'm going to pass out.

Okay... I'm done complaining for the time being. Please send good vibes my way. I need this day to improve.

On the move!

2011-04-01T23:02:00.000-07:00

Meerkat is crawling up a storm! It's hard to keep her under control - and we don't have the house babyproofed yet.

We're going shopping this weekend for babyproofing items. Do you have any absolutely necessary babyproofing suggestions? I know the obvious:

-Baby gates
-outlet covers
-edge protectors (I don't know if this is what they're called, but they round out sharp edges on furniture.

But I have no idea what other things I should be getting. I'd love your suggestions.

I think we're also going to have to lower the crib soon... she's starting to try to pull up on things.

8 Months!

2011-03-22T20:01:00.001-07:00

Dear Meerkat,

So, Mommy is late posting this again... but I blame it on being behind last month because of our being sick.

Eight months - can it be? How have these months flown by so fast? I was looking at videos and pictures of you as a tiny, newborn baby, and I can barely remember you being so tiny. Your small, thin legs; your little chubby cheeks; your balding hair. Now, you're a long, happy, curly-headed little girl. You look so old to me now, compared to those pictures.

You're so much fun this month (well, you've always been fun... but you interact more now). You love to play, and you will play with Mommy and Daddy for as long as we'll let you. You even let Mommy play with you. You're my living doll sometimes. In fact, I went to put a bow in your hair one day, and couldn't stop myself...

I got carried away! You were just so peaceful about the whole thing. You didn't even mind that I was messing with your hair. (Just know, I never took you in public like this... this was only for around the house... oh, and online :p)

This month, you've taken to crawling backward. And, you spin around and around to get where you want to go. You don't have much interest in getting places though. You just kind of chill wherever you are, and you're happy to sit in your playpen or on our laps.

I don't know how much longer that will last, but let me take this moment to say just how much I love those moments. There is nothing in this life better than snuggling with you. Sitting in the recliner, cradling you, rocking you, looking into your big brown eyes, stroking your hair -- those moments are HEAVEN, pure and simple. I dread the day that you start to roll and pull away from me to go play on the floor or to just be independent, because I know those moments won't come back again.

Speaking of snuggling and love, you've started doing this cute thing when you get excited. If Daddy makes a funny face at you, or makes you laugh, while Mommy's holding you, you will turn your face into my shoulder real fast and snuggle into me while laughing. It's so cute I could just pass out from the cuteness. :)

-------

This was the month of "on the verge." You were so close to doing everything: crawling, pulling up, getting into a seated position from laying down, etc. You could get up on your hands and knees and rock back and forth; you could grab furniture and pull yourself a little off the ground, you could roll back onto your hip from your stomach... but you were just short of actually completing those tasks.

This was also the first month that we've had nice weather since you were a tiny, tiny baby. So, we were able to take you to the park. You LOVED the swings, just like mommy. They were always my favorite part of the park.

You're still super smiley. Everything is funny to you. Daddy especially makes you giggle. You love everything he does. You're a daddy's girl for sure.

Mommy is away working a lot, but when I walk in the door you smile and laugh. It's so nice to see you so happy to see me. You laugh at TV. Specifically, you like the "reading of the will" commercial for some cable tv or satelite... I don't really even know what it's an ad for, but you think it's great.

When it comes to TV, there are certain things you love. You love Nick Jr. I'm happy to see you enjoy it so much, but there are some shows that I just can't stand. Do.r.a the E.xpl.orer and Di.e.go are two shows that get under my skin. They repeat themselves so much that it drives me crazy! They're great ideas for a show... but really... if I hear "I'm the map" one more time... !!! What you really like are the end credits of shows, and not just Nick Jr. You like the end credits of all TV shows. It's a strange thing to like, but if the end credits to a show come on, you stop everything to watch them. You won't even turn when we yell for you while the credits are rolling. I'm not sure what you like about them. It's cute, and I'm glad to write it out and have a record of it for you to see someday.

My sweet girl, you've stolen my heart more than you will ever be able to know. I wish there was some way for me to take this love I have for you and put it in your heart for one minute... just long enough for you to always know how connected, attached, in love I am with you. I would do anything for you... absolutely anything.

Work.

2011-03-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

Updating our homestudy, as it's been over a year since it was completed. We want to keep it active so we are open to foster and adopt scenarios from our SW. It's supposed to be easier to update the homestudy than to let it expire and do the whole process again... but I beg to differ. It's pretty much the exact same process. No, we didn't have to attend a semester of classes, but we did have to read seven "modules" (chapters) and do homework. We do have to go to CPI training refresher (2-3 hours), medicine administration training, and CPR Refresher. We have to redo our finances. We have to get the cats vaccinated; we have to get Meerkat a physical and have the doctor fill out a form. We have to get copies of our insurances. We have to write several paragraphs about the types of adoption related training/reading/etc. we've done over the course of the last year. We have to do the interview process again.

It's work!

But, it's worth it.

Numbers...

2011-03-13T18:37:00.001-07:00

I like to watch the "all races" section of our adoption facilitattorney's (I'll call them that because they're neither agent nor facilitator, but rather a hybrid of the two mixed with attorney...) website. The numbers are astounding to me... in more ways than one. Let me break it down to show you some things I've noticed:

1. On February 2nd, I counted all of the couples adopting through our facilitattorney and there were more than 260 families waiting to be matched. Only 13 of them were willing to accept all races. This bothers me in some ways, and also makes me feel such a strong connection with these 13 couples, even though I don't know them. Why? Because I am able to follow their journey by watching their pictures on this website. I don't have any contact with them (save one couple who blog), and yet, I feel like I'm following their adoption journey just the same.

2. Two weeks ago, the "all races" group was down to 8 waiting families. Just 8! I was so pleased that families were getting matched.

3. Today, there are 11 couples on the list... and none of them are new faces. That means that in the last couple weeks, 3 families have experienced some sort of disruption, whether their own decision or that of the first family. This breaks my heart...

4. Of the 11 couples on the list right now, 4 couples have been waiting since we were matched one year ago today. And a couple others were added to the list not long after that.

Dear families who are waiting to be matched with that special baby who will make your life bloom:

I am your silent cheerleader. You probably don't know I exist. You probably feel so alone and miserable in your wait. You probably feel down about the process in general, or maybe you've experienced a disruption and feel the worst kind of down right now.

I am rooting for you all. Every time one of your faces disappears from the list, I am filled with hope and excitement for you, and I pray I don't see your face back on the list until you put it there for your next little one.

I am sending you good vibes; wishing you well; putting all my hope out there for you. I truly hope you special people will have your precious one SOON!

Until then, I'll keep watching and counting.

Thinking of Friends

2011-03-07T22:20:00.000-08:00

Tonight, while working on advertisements for real estate, grading papers for my classes, and taking little breaks to post pictures on facebook, I saw a status update from a couple I've taken a liking to since we started this adoption blog a year and a half ago.

This couple is now experiencing a disruption in an adoption they've been hoping for for a while now, and that they had been cautiously preparing their homes and hearts for over the last couple months.

My heart is breaking for them. If you two are reading this, please know just how much I hurt for you.

----

This adoption road is a tricky one, isn't it? On one hand, this is a loss for a loving couple who had grown to love the idea of this child, as if they were pregnant and waiting for their baby to be in their arms. The same type of loss a mother may feel when giving her baby up for adoption, or if, God forbid, she experience a miscarriage.

Loss in adoption.

I think about it a lot.

Loss.

Why does something so beautiful have to contain such a horrible thing -- Loss. Emptiness. Aching. Hurt. What-ifs.

If the adoption goes through, the first mother experiences the loss of her child. The first family experiences the loss of the baby. The baby experiences the loss of her first mother/family.

If the adoption fails, the adoptive couple experiences the loss of a child - a loss no less painful than any other.

----

But, I am of the belief that adoption is a beautiful thing, and that when all things work out right, and if the adoption is able to be open, everyone gains rather than loses. The first family gains a new couple to love. The couple gains a new family to love. The baby gains connections to her past, present, and future.

This couple I've spoken of have always been super conscious of the importance of the first mother, and it is clear that they honor and respect this role. I hope that another opportunity will present itself to them soon, and that it will allow them the opportunity to share this love and respect with the first mom and family. I hope that their next opportunity will be an adoption filled with gains rather than losses.

My heart aches and grieves for you both right now. I am wishing the best for your days to come, and hoping you have some peace.

On my plate

2011-03-06T19:13:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for not posting lately... Please know, the posting will pick up more after school's out. But I will continue to try and post as often as possible until then.

Here's why:

-- I teach English at TWO universities. At one of these schools, I teach a full courseload. I teach one three hour evening class at the other.

-- In addition to teaching these classes, I have to grade... a lot. I have about 100+ students total. They write approx. 6 formal writing assignments (a total of about 30 pages per student each semester, not counting homeworks/informal writings/quizzes that must be graded.) This means about 3,000 pages of writing that I must read over the course of a semester. I not only have to read these pages, but I must comment on every single one. Yeah. It takes FOREVER.

-- I am also a realtor. I spend two days a week in the office, and I spend as much time as necessary out in the field showing and listing houses.

-- As you know from following the blog, I am also a new mommy. I want to dedicate as much free time as I can to my beautiful, curly headed baby. :)

Soooooo.... I promise, I will attempt to blog frequently, because I love keeping track of what's going on in baby's life and ours. But, if I am spare in my blogging, the above reasons are why.

I will be done teaching in May, and that's when I will have significant free time.

***Please note: I am not complaining about my jobs. I love what I do. I'm just commenting on the amount of time I have to dedicate to said jobs.

<3

7 Months!

2011-02-23T21:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Meerkat!

Sweet girl, you've grown up so much. Seven months changes a baby so much, and you're proof. Your long, skinny legs have chubbed up and gotten even longer. Your long, fine, baby hair fell out and then grew back full and super curly. And, you've got SO MUCH OF IT! Your tiny fingers are controlled and purposeful now. Your smile gets bigger every month, and your laugh gets louder and fuller. You're starting to look more and more like a little girl, and less like a baby.

You got sick for the first time this month, and it was followed quickly by your second sickness. Mommy and Daddy have also been very sick this month. But, we're all getting better now. Your doctor put you on albuterol, and it has helped you stop coughing so much. Your little stuffy nose has cleared up. Now, if Mommy could stop coughing, we'd be a healthy family again!

I mentioned your hair earlier, but I forgot to mention that it's now long enough for bows! I can clip them directly in your hair now; no need to use a headband. The bows make you look even more like a big girl.

You still don't crawl, but you tolerate being on your tummy much more nowadays. You scoot backward, so I think it's only a matter of time before you figure crawling out.

You love to eat! Your favorite foods are carrots, peas, and avocados. You would eat them by the bowlfuls if you could. Mommy makes everything homemade, except the carrots. I've read that nitrates are bad in carrots when homemade, and I'd rather not risk it. So, you have those jarred. You HATE fruits. We've tried bananas and apples. You tolerate the apples, but you'd just as soon not eat them at all, if you had your choice. You also don't really care for apple juice. I think it's funny that you like veggies so much, and it makes me happy. Peas are one of my favorite veggies, so I'm especially happy you like them. Daddy hates peas, so now that you like them, I'll have an excuse to keep some in the house.

You started saying "bababa" this month. And most recently, you've started clicking your tongue. You love to play independently for long stretches now, and you will coo, and ba, and click to yourself all the while. Your favorite toy this month has been your "cookie jar" of blocks. You will sit in the playpen and pull the blocks out one by one. You also seem to love this little froggie that has chewie hands and bells in his tummy. You will play with him for a long time, if we let you. You also like this little crocodile toy that Grandma S. got you for Christmas.

You also enjoy Nic.k Jr. You laugh and laugh at Mo.ose and Z. It's so neat to see you interacting with things, and showing interest in specific things.

I can't wait to see what this next month brings. I love you so much!

Love,
Mommy

New Post Coming (TMI)

2011-02-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

Hey guys... I'm sick sick sick and vomiting my guts out. That's why there hasn't been a monthly update or any other posting. Forgive me, and know that I will be posting something as soon as I feel better. In the meantime, this can tide you over:

ETA: The TMI part is because of the "vomiting my guts out," not the new post that's coming. :)

6 month stats

2011-01-31T18:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is a long time coming, and we're almost at 7 months... but these stats were taken at her six month well-baby check-up a while ago.

Weight: 17 lbs. 7 oz.
Height: 26 3/4
Head Circumfrence: 16 3/4

Missing Daddy (contemplating how to deal with loss, both adoption and otherwise)

2011-01-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

I miss my Daddy today... not my "father" but my daddy. See, my father is one being, but two separate people. He is the memory I have of a man who would die for his children. The man who would call me to see if I'd written anything lately, and then ask me to read it to him. The man who would cheer me on, and convince me that I could do anything. The man who made me cry (happy, sappy tears) on my wedding day, when I had kept a dry eye through the whole ceremony. The man who liked to play boardgames with his kids. That man is my daddy. The memories I have of him are so special to me, but they break my heart. I lost him.

My daddy is gone.

But he's not physically gone. He is now this other man. The man who deserted his family. The man who is filled with rage. The man who let alcohol and drugs destroy his life. The man who pesters my mother (his now ex-wife) with annoying text messages and phone calls. The man who ignores our wishes, and acts out in our presence. This man is my father, but he is not the Daddy I remember.

So, I've consciously chosen to avoid him for the most part. I see him rarely. He doesn't have my number. When I see him, I'm cordial. I talk to him; I give him rides home; I let him briefly have (supervised) visits with Meerkat. But, he's not the same... and our relationship is not the same. I've lost him... even though he's still around.

My mother and father were divorced shortly after alcoholism returned to my father's life, about three years ago. That was a very difficult time. It felt like a death to me. I had lost my daddy, and he wasn't coming back, no matter what he did. I could never restore our relationship to what it was before. Those days were over, and it killed part of me. But, just like with death, I eventually healed and had my memories, and moved on.

Then suddenly, without warning, today I started missing him. Inbetween my classes this morning, I couldn't stop thinking about my Daddy. I thought about being a little girl holding his thumbs, climbing his legs, and flipping over. I thought about hanging from his biceps in kindergarten, so proud to show off how strong my daddy was to all my friends. I remembered calling him when I got a poem published to hear his reaction. I thought about being so sick in my dorm-room in college that he had to come get me and carry me to the hospital. He drove thirty minutes, picked me up off my bunk bed, carried me to the car, and into the hospital. I thought about him driving that same trip to go to class with me after my hysterectomy to help me get around, and just incase I needed him. I recalled him loading a friend's truck every year for four years to move me from apartment to apartment. I remembered how he was at EVERY single performance of mine (and there were MANY) - theater, singing, church-plays - cheering me on, and how he was always the loudest clap and howl in the crowd. My heart feels so sad today. I hurt physically with the amount I miss him... And, while I could call him up and talk to him, it wouldn't be my Daddy on the other line... it would be this other man who pretends to be Daddy, but who just can't get it right... and that hurts most of all.

In the midst of my thoughts today, I began to associate my loss with my daughter's. And it really got me thinking about loss in adoption. Everyone involved is suffering some type of loss: the loss of a child; the loss of a first-family; the loss of a pregnancy. And yes, these losses hurt a lot when they first occur, and yes we eventually move into acceptance, but then a day like today happens, and the wound reopens a little.

My daughter was adopted as a newborn. Does this make her loss minimal? I don't think so. Sure, she did not experience a life with her first-family, so she doesn't have the memories to miss and regret losing. But, I never experienced a pregnancy, and yet I feel a tremendous amount of pain over the loss of being able to experience it. What gives me some hope is that I am able to see that despite that loss and my desire to have not encountered it, I am still thankful for it to some extent. I hope that my daughter will, despite her pain at losing an entire family, be able to rejoice in the family that she has now. And, I hope that by keeping in contact with A and her children, we will be able to minimize the pain of loss that she feels. However, I still worry today. I worry that one day my daughter's loss will become so real and painful to her that she will struggle to get past it. I worry that she will suffer, just as I worry about her suffering any heartbreak or pain.

I'm not worried that she won't love me and her daddy, because I know she will. And, I'm not worried that she will not want to be with us, because I know she will be thankful that she ended up with us as parents. I am, however, worried that she will question the "what-ifs" so much that they will consume her and break her heart. I'm worried that she won't understand why she had to experience the loss she did. I worry that she will be angry that she is feeling sad about her loss, and not realize that it's okay to grieve it. I worry that one day she will be crying in her car between classes... like I was today. And I wish I could help her avoid that pain, or be there to hold her while she cries. But, I know I will not always be around as she ages. She will become more and more independent. She will deal with things privately. I just hope that I am able to help her somehow, as she ages.

I worry too about A. I can't imagine the grief she feels, and the pain of her loss. I know she is happy with her decision, and I know she doesn't regret it. She is upbeat, and stays in contact with us. But, I worry that she is in pain too. And, I have developed a strong love for A. A love that surprised me. I worry about how she is dealing with her loss. I hope that she is at peace.

Most of all, I hope that when those sneaky moments rear up, like mine today, that A and Meerkat will not be afraid to experience their grief and share their feelings with someone. I hope that they will not keep their feelings deep inside. I hope that A will talk to her mom, or a friend, or a counselor. I hope that Meerkat will come to me, or her dad, or a friend. I hope that despite the difference of our losses, we will still all feel the connection to one another that binds our losses together. I hope that we will constantly be aware of each other's losses. I never want to forget about the losses Meerkat and A have experienced as a result of this process, and I hope they are both able to consider each other's losses (and mine) when they are grieving and communicating.

I began thinking about my father's loss. He's lost his wife, his children, his dignity. He's lost even more than I have, and yet I still can't see a way for our damaged relationship to be repaired. I think that remembering his loss helps me deal with mine a bit though. It puts it in perspective. It doesn't minimize my loss at all, but it does make me feel less alone, and a bit more "okay" with my grief. And it prevents my loss from turning into anger and hatred. I can avoid resenting him because I know that he is hurting too. I think this is an essential aspect to dealing with loss, regardless of the circumstances. Keep it from becoming "self-pity" or a solo grief.

Regardless of how we handle it, loss is everywhere. Loss makes us who we are. Loss develops character and destroys character. Loss is hard, whether it's adoption or otherwise.

I miss you, Daddy.

Somewhat Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

Meerkat got to try veggies for the first time, since she is now 6 months old. Apparently, green beans are not quite as good as formula:

6 months!

2011-01-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Meerkat,

It's official, you're half a year old. I'm completely and utterly amazed at how quickly time goes by now that I'm your Mommy. I used to be awed by the speed of the semesters, but now... WOW. I turn my head and when I turn back, you're doing something new. Weren't we just in SC with you, awed by your tiny little toes and the cute drunk face you'd make after eating?

You don't make that face anymore. It's sad to see those newborn baby tendencies disappear... but it's so exciting to see the things that replace them. You are constantly doing new things.

You still don't want to roll over, even though we've seen you do it and know you can. You just quit doing it. It's like you have no interest whatsoever in getting anywhere but where you are already. You've shown no real interest in crawling yet, though you do fling your arms around to try to reach for toys that are in front of you when you're on your tummy. I think you'll probably crawl by accident, and that is what will make you learn how.

You do sit up like a pro now!

We went to Grandma and Grandpa S' house for Christmas, and you just suddenly figured it out. You have great balance. (Just look at you up there with 1996. You're not leaning against anything! And, you've gotten so big it's hard to even see the mouse). However, your sitting up has also been the cause of your first bump. You were sitting (so good) at Grandma and Grandpa's, and we were playing on the floor with your toys, when you suddenly flung yourself backward and hit your head on the floor. Thankfully, it's carpeted, and you didn't fall far. But it scared you (and ME!!!) and we both had a nice cry over it. You were fine. And I'm sure you will bump your noggin several more times in the not so distant future. I'm going to have to buy you a helmet!

You show a great interest in standing now. You want to stand all the time -- holding onto one of us of course. But, your legs are so strong, so I think it won't be long before you can stand unassisted. I won't be one bit surprised if you walk before you crawl.

This month has been filled with happiness! Mommy and Daddy had the month off from teaching, so we spent all our time with you. We played so much!!! You got lots of great toys for Christmas.

Mommy and Daddy bought you a little, stuffed dog named Violet. She says your name; she sings songs about you; and she spells your name too. She's so great! And, you seem very interested in her. You even pulled her over to you and turned her on the other day when we weren't looking. You also enjoy your new jumperoo! You've learned to bounce, and you throw yourself around like a crazy person. You LOVE it. You giggle and giggle. We can't get enough of watching you learn all the cool things about your surroundings.

Speaking of toys, you got them because this month was your first Christmas!!! It was lovely. You actually had two! First, we went to Grandma and Grandpa S' house and celebrated. We all watched you and your cousin, A. open gifts. A turned one while we were there, and you both had a ball with each other. Your Grandma and Grandpa really enjoyed seeing you and spending time with you. We stayed for a whole week, and you were so good!

When we got back, we had a Christmas and Grandma K's house. You got more presents and enjoyed spending time with your cousin, D. He'll be a year old next month! Wow. Mommy can't believe how fast all of you babies are growing.

I love you dearly, Meerkat. You make my life worth living. I can't imagine a day without you in it. May these next six months, before you're 1, be just as exciting as the first six.

I love you!!!!

Off Topic...

2011-01-03T22:51:00.001-08:00

Just incase you're curious about what I'll be up to in 2011.

Playing it Off is a new blog I've started to chronicle my "resolution" of getting more fit. I didn't want to call it a resolution... but it's the beginning of the year, so I guess that's what it is. Don't feel obligated to follow or even read... But, I'm posting this here, so I am accountable and will be obligated to continue the weightloss journey.

Wish me luck.

Dear 2010,

2010-12-31T23:56:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm writing an obituary for someone I love dearly. You are gone now, but I need to express my strong feelings for you, so I'm writing you this letter.

When you first came around, I wasn't expecting much. You started pretty dully, just my husband and I preparing pictures for our adoption profiles, preparing ourselves for a long wait. My mom was in the middle of a messy divorce (it was finalized, but she was still in the middle of the messy emotions). My sister was pregnant with my nephew, and just about to pop. My little cousin ("nephew") was a newborn, and my niece was just two days old when you first showed up. I was up to my elbows in other people's babies, and dealing with all the raw, ugly emotions that we infertiles have to wallow through in such situations. I was working a lot, and working an extra job to make money for the adoption. I was also taking my licensing exam to start work as a realtor, to also make more money for the adoption. I was soon to be working 4 jobs total, and that alone made you look like a daunting year.

Like I said, I didn't have high hopes for you. Sorry about that. I guess I should learn not to jump to conclusions.

Boy did you make me wrong. You have proven yourself to be one of the best years of my life, mainly for one reason. You were the year that made me a Mommy. March rolled around, and BOOM... my life was changed. We were matched, and you started to seem grand! Granted, there was still a lot of time for things to go wrong, but you just kept proving to be a better year than I could have dreamed.

When things started to get dicey, you always seemed to perk up. One minute, we would think things were rough... and then suddenly, something good happened. Once July rolled around, and our baby was laid in our arms, I knew you were truly something special. And, in November, when all was finalized... I could have just squealed with joy (and I probably did...) Wow, were you great!

Okay... so, you weren't all good. You are probably the most unhealthy year of my life. I have been sick so many times since you showed up. I've probably had 5 colds, a strange fever, a kidney infection, a UTI, a horrible antibiotic associated infection that has proven to be a bear to overcome, and 40 days worth of antibiotics. Not to mention, I had a number of my usual headaches. I was so unhealthy this year, in fact, that I was horribly sick the day my daughter was born. Remember that? Funny joke... heh.

But, despite all that, I met my daughter with you. And that makes you pretty daggone special in my book. I watched her see your seasons change for the first time. I watched her celebrate five whole months of her life with you. Five brilliant, gleaming, exciting months!

Oh, 2010, it's going to be hard to top becoming a first time mommy, but I have high hopes for the years that will follow you. They have a lot to live up to, but sharing those coming years alonside my husband and baby make me so excited for our future. Please know, as we celebrate Meerkat's first birthday in 2011, and as we watch her reach major milestones this year, that we will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remember you. We will talk about you forever. You were a "landmark year." Thank you for restoring my happiness, my hope, and my love for life.

God bless you, 2010. May others remember you as fondly as I will.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-22T01:18:00.000-08:00

Sick... again...

2010-12-19T13:43:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been so lax in posting, but I've been busy and sick. The semester is over now, though, and I find myself with more free time. However, I am still sick. I've been sick now for over a month. I've been going back and forth to the doctor, and I've been on antibiotics for thirty days. I'm about to start another course.

If you pray, or send good vibes, or hope, or wish, please do one of those things for me. I can't take this much longer. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

5 Months!

2010-12-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Meerkat,

See that picture up there? That's you this whole month - happy, happy, happy!!! Just when I think we've reached the "golden age" of babydom, you just get more fun! You smile all the time. You laugh so much. Every time Mommy and Daddy say "Hi Baby" in our high-pitched, baby-talk voice, you smile so big. This month you learned how to not just squeal with delight, but scream in delight, and you're delighted so often. You will just lay in your bed in the mornings, before we come in and get you, and squeal and scream and coo.

You've been content virtually the entire month. Though, yesterday, you did have a strange bout of screaming for no apparent reason. You just suddenly got a sad little puppy face and then started crying like a banshee. It was late, and we weren't home, so we think you were just extremely tired. I picked you up to comfort you and you snuggled your tear soaked face into my neck. I could cuddle with you all day long.

Mommy and Daddy had a week off work this month for Thanksgiving break, and OH MY! were we enjoying our time with you. It was so nice to wake up every morning and see your smiling face. We started to notice you followed a pretty strict nap schedule, even though we didn't put you on one. You are usually awake for 2-3 hours and then you sleep for an hour or two, and so on, until nightfall.

You still only drink every 4 hours, but you're up to six ounces at a feeding. And... you tried rice cereal for the first time this month! We started by feeding you rice cereal once every few days for the first couple weeks of the month. But now, we give it to you at dinner time, every night.

In the next couple weeks, we will start giving you oatmeal in the morning and rice cereal at night. We won't start veggies and fruits until six months. You love your rice cereal, though you were a little unsure of it at first. And still, if you're feeling a bit too hungry, you want your bottle more than the cereal, so I'll give you some of your bottle first, and then finish off the cereal.

But, your appetite isn't the only thing that started to grow this month. Your hair is starting to get very long! It's really curly, and only growing in the front top section of your head, but it's so cute!

You've learned a few new things this month. You rolled from tummy to back for the first time the other day, but you only did it once, and didn't do it again. It was like you just wanted to show us you knew how, but that you don't see the necessity.
Also, you've started reaching for things. You just suddenly became aware of the fact that you could hold things in your hands. One day you just decided to play with the little bird hanging from your carseat, and now you play with everything. If we put something in front of you, you grab it. You love to try to put things in your mouth, but you haven't quite mastered the motor skills to make this task easy. You can usually get things there with a bit of trial and error. You love to take your paci out of your mouth and then try to put it back in. Usually, you'll get it there, but you won't take your hand away fast enough, and you end up dropping it on the floor.

You found your feet too! You love to play with them, but you can't get them in your mouth yet. You play with them a lot.

My sweet girl, I hope that you always approach life with the enthusiasm of your fifth month. Life can be a blast! It's moments like the ones we share with you that make me feel so full of energy and life. I can't wait to spend all of December and half of January at home with you! Thank God for this job that allows me that possibility. I love you so much!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-01T20:53:00.001-08:00

Thankful... (There really is some thankfulness in this post. Just wait for it...) :)

2010-11-25T05:02:00.001-08:00

I've always enjoyed the holiday season. I love turkey; I love gravy; I love dessert; I love trimming the tree; I love opening and giving presents; etc. etc. etc. But, there's always been a part of me that dreads certain holiday moments.

My family has a tradition of going around the dining table and telling everyone what we are thankful for. Not that I'm ungrateful, but this part of Thanksgiving has been a struggle for me since the day I learned of my infertility. Of course I was grateful for my family, my job, yadda yadda. But, all of that paled in comparison to the deeper feelings I carried inside me. Even hearing my parents say "I'm thankful for my three beautiful children" sent daggers into my heart. Silly, right? I mean, of course they're thankful for their children, and I wouldn't expect them to feel otherwise! But, just thinking that I might not ever get to say those words was enough to send me reeling internally.

And Christmas time... well, let's just say there are certain aspects of Christmas that made it difficult... namely Mary. Yeah, you heard me right - Mary, mother of Jesus. I mean, COME ON GOD! Mary can get pregnant and doesn't even have to bat an eyelash. No man needed. Just sit, get visited by an angel, BOOM - PREGNANT! If that's not enough to make an infertile woman cringe, I don't know what is.

I hid it well enough. I'd give my thanks and then settle right into normal dinnertime conversation; I'd go to church, or read the Christmas story, but under my skin I was crawling with resentfulness to God. Who does he think he is? Why did that girl in my dorm get pregnant and toss her newborn baby into the dumpster to die? What did I do to be cursed so bad?

There are plenty of women out there struggling this holiday season, in the same way that I struggled every holiday for the past ten years. It breaks me to think of that. I almost didn't post this blog, because so many of my "blog" friends are still living with the sting of infertility. And, I know how much it drove me CRAZY! to hear people try to cheer me up, or tell me their happy stories. Every so often, I would share my pain with people, and I would get told "you'll get your baby someday" or "It's all in God's hands" or "One day you will have quite a testimony." My mom was the worst offender. And everytime she made a comment like this it just made my skin crawl. I tried to explain to her why I didn't want to hear it. It's like going up to someone who's just taken a bullet to the gut and saying "Don't worry, one day you won't feel that pain anymore, and then you'll have quite a testimony." Yeah, great... ONE DAY... SOME DAY... those words do not heal the pain of TODAY... RIGHT NOW!!!! Every part of me was screaming in pain on the inside, but I had to smile and nod and go home in a foul mood.

I knew they were right. Obviously, the pain would go away once I was healed of my problem. Right? I wouldn't still ache the way I did to carry a child when I was holding one in my arms. Right?

Yes, and no. I've healed. I am able to look forward to holidays now, and I am happier than I've ever been. But, I'm forever changed by my experience with infertility. Every so often, those phantom pains strike me... not the "I want to be a mommy" pains. That wound is closed up, never to be opened again. But now, there is a strange pang of guilt where the pain used to be. I feel bad spreading my happiness around on the internet for people who are struggling like I was to see. I feel guilty that I ever harbored such resentment to God. I feel guilty that I felt so horrible on holidays that I was spending with people I love. I feel guilty that I was ever jealous of someone else's child/pregnancy. And, I feel guilty that those feelings creep in every so often still. Yes, I have a child who I love more than life itself. But, I am still infertile; I still can't get pregnant; I still have to jump through a million hoops to bring my daughter a brother or sister.

But, (and this is the part where you might want to stop reading if you don't want to hear a bunch of mooshy, gooshy thankfulness) my mom was right. And I knew she was, even then... I just couldn't deal with it then. I am grateful this year... for so many things.

Meerkat -- How can I possibly express to you the thankfulness I feel for you? I've tried, on numerous occassions to put my love for you into words, but none of them can quite express the way I feel. I LOVE you! Don't ever ever doubt that for one second. You are the reason I'm baking this holiday season. You're the reason I want to get a real tree instead of our dollar store version. You're the reason I almost stood up in the church the other day to "give my testimony" (and believe me, that's saying something). You, my little fuzzy girl, are the reason that I'm smiling so big this year. I am more thankful for you than I know how to say.

My husband -- Wow! I love you! You've been a rock for me to lean on so many times during our relationship. You've helped me get through some things that I know were even difficult for you to get through. I love the way you look at me. I love the way you speak to me. I love everything about you. You've given me so much joy these last several years. I can't imagine my life without you. There is no better husband on this planet, and I'm 100% sure of that. We don't fight. We have fun. We share so much love. You're the best father I've ever seen. You share in all the housework and duties. And, I know that this seems natural to you, but there are so many men who are not like you. I really found my hidden treasure when I found you.

Infertility -- While I hate you, infertility. While I want to kick you in your no-no spot, I'm thankful for you this year. Without you, infertility, I wouldn't have my baby girl. And, if it took going through all that pain to get to this baby, I'd do it again 10,000,000,000 times.

A -- You are so thoughtful. You've sent us pictures of Meerkat's half-brother and sister. You've kept in contact with us. You've given us the gift of parenthood. I am so very thankful for you this, and every, year. I hope that you are having a wonderful, peaceful Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Our thoughts are constantly with you. <3

Family -- I have a pretty unique family. They keep things interesting. I'm so grateful that I have them in my life. My brother, my sister, my mom, my grandma, my mother and father in-law, my brothers and sisters in-law, my nieces, my nephews -- I'm so grateful for you all. I love you with all of my heart. You make life enjoyable, just by being so dog-gone funny and sweet.

Father -- this is a unique one, and he gets his own category. Dad, there are aspects of you and your life that I'm not thankful for, but you know that. It should come as no surprise to you that I'm angry for some of the things you've put our family through. But, I'm thankful this year. I am thankful that you are not drinking right now... and I hope that continues. I'm thankful that you have been being nice to mom... I'm thankful that you're getting to see your grandchildren. Please know somewhere in your heart that I'm thinking of you always. Yes, I'm mad at you. That won't change. But, I'm thankful you're my dad.

The standards -- Job, health (when I'm in good health), and home. I'm very happy that I have all of these things. They sure do make life a lot more liveable. :)

Now, let's get these holidays started. I'm ready to make up for lost time!

Four Month Stats!

2010-11-19T06:28:00.000-08:00

Weight: 15 lbs. 2 oz.

Length: 25 1/4 inches

Head Circumfrence: 16.5 inches

(She also just tried rice cereal for the first time recently. You can tell by the picture how happy she was about it.)

4 Months!

2010-11-11T22:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Meerkat:

Well, you're four months old now! Actually, you turned four months old a few days ago, but as has been tradition since the day you were born, mommy was VERY sick on your four month birthday. I had a fever of 102, chills, nausea, aches, headache... the whole shebang. The doctor said it was related to the infection. It still hasn't cleared up. But - I'm feeling much better today. Anyway, let's stop talking about Mommy and start talking about you.

You're amazing! Every day, you just get smarter and smarter. I truly think we're in the "golden age" of babydom right now. You're so happy, all the time. Even after you have slept 10-12 straight hours without eating. That's right - 12 hours!!!! You are such a good little sleeper. You go to bed around 8-10 every evening, and you'll sleep until 8am or later. Then, when you wake up, you just lay there looking around until someone picks you up. That's when the smiles begin. You act like you've missed us so much all night, and you just smile and coo. Then, you have your bottle and play for a couple hours. Then you nap. And, the cycle continues.

Something we love is when you stretch so hard that your little legs stiffen out and your back arches. You usually do this most after being unswaddled in the mornings. We still swaddle you at night, because you like it, and it helps you sleep better, as you still don't quite have complete control over your arm's muscle movements.

But, we won't be swaddling you much longer. Why? Because, you can ROLL OVER! You rolled over for the first time at Grandma K's house. Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, and Uncle Joey got to see you do it! Then, you stopped for awhile. But the other day, you started doing it again, more frequently. You only roll one direction right now: Back to Front to the right side. And, since you hate tummy time, once you get rolled over, you get upset because you're on your tummy. I don't want you rolling over in your sleep while you're swaddled, so the swaddle weaning begins now.

(This is just you rolling from your side to your tummy, but I don't have any other "roll-over" pictures just yet. I hope to have a video to post soon!)

You are much more vocal now. You squeal in delight, and make this little "OOOoooOOOoooOOOooo" noise. The only consonant sound you can make right now is "g." And, you just started gurgling a bit when you coo. Your laughs are bigger and heartier. You LOVE to play, especially with Daddy. It's already very evident that you're a Daddy's girl. You are so happy when he comes around, and you're always looking over at him when Mommy is holding you.

You still don't grab for toys, but we've noticed you are taking more interest in them, and you will bat at them. You can hold a toy if we give it to you, but you won't take it on your own.

Oh my, baby girl. I still can't believe how quick time is flying by. I wish I could slow time down for this year and keep you my tightly swaddled little baby for a while longer. But you're not having any of it. Your growing all over! Your little feet are getting longer.

Your hair is growing in thicker and curlier. I can't wait to see you with little curls all over. s:) You don't fit in 0-3 month clothing anymore (though we can still squeeze you in a couple sleepers that were made "big" for their size). You can even wear a lot of 6-9 month clothing. I can't wait to see what you weigh at your doctor's appointment next week. Like I said earlier, you're getting smarter and smarter. It's obvious that you're learning things rapidly. And, while I do want things to go slowly, I'm also very excited to watch you reach your next milestones: rolling from tummy to back, crawling, grabbing, playing, teething, pulling up, walking... my my my! I'm getting ahead of myself. It just seems like things are going so quickly, I know those moments will be here soon.

You make every one of my days worth living, Meerkat. You have made our lives so much better. I can't wait to see what you do with your life, little girl. I can't wait to sit in the bleachers, chairs, sidelines, wings, audience and root you on! I'm so excited to watch you grow and develop your talents and likes month by month for the rest of your life. Thank you for being our daughter, Meerkat.

I love you more than anything.

November 1, 2010

2010-11-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, sorry this post is so late, but I'm in the thick of the semester, and grading, real estate, and teaching has me all tied up most of the time. Anyway... let's move on to the reason for this post:

We're Finalized!!!

Sunday morning, we left for our 8 hour car trip to SC. A lot of states will allow phone/video finalization if the family lives far away, but SC does apparently does not... even though we asked several times. I was happy about the idea of finalizing in the courtroom; I was not happy about the idea of driving 8 hours. I don't like being trapped in a car, and riding in the backseat next to the carseat for the four hours I wasn't driving, in our tiny car, was ridiculous! It truly is like being caught in a trap. I could barely move.

Anyway, after we arrived, late at night, we ordered pizza, showered, and went to bed. Our court hearing was scheduled for very early in the morning. I slept okay, except that I was sick again... but a different type of sick this time. (UTI, bladder, and kidney infections). For whatever reason, anytime something important is about to happen, my body loses control. I've always been one to get sick if someone just breathes in my direction. But to get three severe infections in such a quick amount of time, just before a big event... GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

Thankfully, I was on some pain medicine for the severe kidney pain, and I was on antibiotics for the rest. This kept me from running to the restroom every two minutes at the courthouse the next day.

Speaking of the courthouse... ;)

Once there, we met our guardian ad litem and attorney. They were both very nice. Then, they called us into the courtroom. Of course, just before going into the courthouse, Meerkat decided to spit up all over her dress. Thankfully we got it all cleaned up. But then, she decided it was time to be fussy. So, all through the hearing, she cried and cried and cried. I felt a little bit like I was under the microscope, because I wanted to be the "perfect mommy" who soothes her baby by just cooing at her... but that didn't happen. She wanted to be bounced, and rocked, and wiggled, and stood up. But, in a serious court hearing, it's difficult to do those things and pay attention. We managed. And the judge and stenographer were smiling at her as she played and fussed.

Nick answered his questions first, and I felt the tears behind my eyes as he talked about how Meerkat "is the best thing that's ever happened to us." So, I knew I was going to have trouble when it was my turn...

Oh did I! I was fine for the marriage questions. I was fine for the nursery questions. I was fine for the education and finances questions. But when she asked me "Why do you want to adopt this child?" I couldn't hold it back. I don't even remember exactly what I said, but it's a very emotional question to answer. It's hard to express to someone the love I feel for Meerkat. It's indescribable. That child has my heart wrapped up in her tiny fingers, and I'm so thankful.

At the end, the smiling judge explained his happiness for us, and told us that he couldn't wait to sign the papers. He was going "to make legal, what is already true," -- that we are Meerkat's parents.

So, dear judge: thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being so sweet and happy. You made our court experience easy and stress-free. Your joy for us was evident, and helped us to feel comfortable and happy.

Finally, it was over. Our adoption journey (the first one anyway) is over. Meerkat is our child, in every way but genetics. So, back to home we headed. We stopped off for a quick bite to eat, as a celebration. Meerkat enjoyed her fingers while we ate.

And then, we drove 8 hours home. By the end of the car trip, we were all getting cranky and tired. Meerkat hated the last hour of the trip.

She didn't want to be in that carseat anymore... And, I can't blame her. It was a 16 hour trip that felt continuous, since we pretty much woke up and got back in the car.

Despite the long, frustrating car ride, it was a wonderful trip. I would do it again today for Meerkat's sake. I would do anything for that baby. My daughter. :D

Halloween 2010

2010-10-30T22:10:00.001-07:00

Oh, how I love Halloween! And not for any creepy reasons. I love halloween because I LOVE costumes. I mean, I would totally wear a different costume every day of the year if people wouldn't stop hanging around me. I also love Halloween because I love candy and kids! And so the combination of sharing candy with kids in cute costumes is just pure joy for me. Not to mention, I get to indulge in the candy myself, while wearing a pretty sweet costume. :)

So, I've always dreamt of the day that we would have a child to dress in cute costumes and take trick-or-treating. My parents were VERY religious, and I was not permitted to trick-or-treat, except for one year. The year I was two, I got to dress up as smurfette (which consisted of a plastic mask, and a garbage bag with a smurf scene on it that draped over my body). That is the only year I got to go knock on doors and ask for candy. For some reason, after that, my mom decided Halloween was too evil, candy wasn't good for me, everyone wanted to hurt little kids on Halloween, and I needed to go to church that day every year.

Now, I have nothing against church at all. And, I don't delve into the "evil" aspects of Halloween... just the candy and costumes (okay, and a little home decor). But I always wished I could be trick or treating and dressing up in costumes. I remember a couple years that the church had a costume party for the kids on halloween. I was very happy to go to them, but I dressed up as stupid things like "little miss bible" where I just wore a white dress and carried a bible. But, I still loved getting into some "character." I think that's why I loved theater in high-school... but I digress. Back to Halloween.

So, because I wasn't allowed to do it, I always vowed that when I grew up, I was going to celebrate halloween and give candy to the kids, and by golly I WAS GOING TO DRESS UP! And I do - every year. And I will - every year, until I can't dress myself anymore. And hopefully at that point, Meerkat will dress me up in some cool costume.

Last year, I was an evil queen. The year before that, I was wonder woman. Before that, a masked wrestler (luchador). Luckily, I have a husband who is willing to go along with it and likes to dress up too. And now we have Meerkat! And she is going to wear the BEST costumes I can find, every year... until she tells me herself that she doesn't want to do it anymore.

So this year, because she's too little to eat candy, we just sat on the porch in our costumes and passed out candy to everyone who came by.

Sidenote: when did kids stop saying "trick or treat?" So many of the kids who came up to us just held their bags open and expected us to drop candy in them without saying a word. Of course we did, but it would have been nice to hear a "trick or treat" or "happy halloween." Aaaaaaannnnnnndddddd..... isn't there an age restriction for trick or treat? I mean, I'd happily give candy to an eighty year old, if she showed up dressed in costume... but we had fifteen and sixteen year olds walking onto our porch, in street clothes, with pillow cases, asking for candy. Ummm... get a costume, and maybe you can have some of my sweettarts. Otherwise, you're getting exactly one gumball.

Okay... sidenote over. Let me share some of our halloween experiences this year:

I mean, can you get any cuter than that???!!! If you couldn't guess, she's a shark.

A very chill, ferocious shark.

And, she's also the cutest daggone shark of them all.

Mommy was a last minute witch. I was looking for a costume that went along with the "shark" theme... but didn't have the time or money to go find one. So, today I slammed this outfit together. I think it turned out well, and surprisingly it's the first time I've ever done the witch costume, even though it's a classic.

Daddy was a zombie. A very cute zombie, if I do say so myself.

Meerkat didn't make it through trick-or-treat. She fell asleep about an hour in, and was out cold. She didn't wake up for anything, even our family portrait:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! We hope yours is/was as fun as ours.

Also, stay tuned. BIG things are happening around here in the next couple days. :)

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-20T15:51:00.000-07:00

Three Months!

2010-10-09T20:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Meerkat,

Do you see that picture up there? That simple little picture of you with your teddy-mouse, 1996? That was a difficult little picture to get! You've grown so much in the last month, that you're too big for 1996 to support you! And, you can't quite support yourself just yet, so you just topple right over her legs and roll off her face. Don't believe me? Here, look at this:

See what I mean? You're so rolly-polly now! You've got chubby little legs, and cute chubby cheeks. It's so much fun to watch you grow.

This month has been a fun month! You're so social now. You love your old playmat with tiger, monkey, and lion. But now, you've got a new playmat to love - and love it you do. Mommy and Daddy went to your cousin, Greg's, football game and won the 50/50 drawing. It wasn't much, but it was enough to buy you a nice new playmat that lights up and has a moving mobile. You coo and coo at it. It's like you want to tell all the little animals your secrets.

You've started smiling much more than you used to. You greet Mommy and Daddy in the mornings with the biggest grins. I love waking up, walking downstairs to you and daddy, and seeing your big grins.

Just one day before your 13 week birthday, you laughed out loud for the first time. Mommy came downstairs in the morning and picked you up. When you saw my face, you started giggling, and you just kept going. It was so cute! We got a couple little laughs on videotape, but you didn't really want to be on camera and stopped laughing quickly after we brought it out.

So far, you still like to be swaddled when you go to bed. Your bedtime is still 8pm. You're a good sleeper. It's easiest to get you to bed by swaddling you, rocking you, and patting your butt. It's like a tranquilizer. You're usually out cold in ten minutes or less. :)

You've found your hands this month - much more than you did before. You used to put them in your mouth by accident, and then you'd suck your fingers. But now, you intentionally put them in your mouth. And today, when I was taking your picture, you kept putting your hands up in your face and playing with them, so it was difficult to get a good shot!

We're so happy you're a part of our family. These last three months have been some of the best moments of my life. I can't imagine being anything other than your mommy. I feel like that's my purpose in life! I was put on this earth to love you. And boy do I ever! I love your chunky baby toes, and the rings around your thighs. I love your tiny eyebrows and the little dimple in your chin. I love the fuzz on your ears, and I love the way your hair circles on the top of your head.

Happy 3 month birthday baby girl!

Eleven must be a mean ol' number.

2010-10-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

Meerkat is now 12 weeks old, but when I was uploading all of last weeks pictures onto the computer, I noticed a strange trend...

Apparently, life as an 11 week old is very difficult. :,(

A little bit closer...

2010-09-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

We have a court date!

November 1, 2010.

That is the day we stop being "legal guardians" and start being "parents." That is the day we order our birth certificate, our social security card, etc. That is the day the label "family" becomes recognized by more than just those who know us.

We are already parents and family, but it will be nice to have it set in stone.

Irrevocable.

I like that word.

A nifty thing about the finalization date: It is exactly one week before my birthday. That means Meerkat was born right around Daddy's birthday, and her adoption will have been finalized right around Mommy's birthday. Julys and Novembers are going to be filled with celebration in this household!

:)

SIMILAC!!!!!! ACK!

2010-09-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

So today I found out that Similac is recalling a bunch of formula. Guess what brand of formula we use. DING DING DING! You got it.

I decided to check the container that we just finished last night to see if it was affected in the recall. It was. The entire 1.45 lb container was contaminated with Beetles and Beetle parts. Did you read that?

BEETLE PARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you know what is included in the term "beetle parts?" LARVAE! Little tiny slimy beetle eggs.

In my daughter's stomach.

I had noticed two little black specks in one of her bottles recently, and I thought it was the dishwasher's fault, so I dumped it and made a new one. Now, I don't know if it was the dishwasher or Beetle parts.

I am horrified. HORRIFIED. I can't think straight right now. Who knows how many containers of formula she's eaten that have been contaminated. Over the past couple weeks, she's started to spit up more often, and she doesn't eat quite as much or with as much gusto as she once did. I assumed it was just natural baby tummy growth/sensitivity changes. Then I read the article that states gastrointestinal problems as a result of the contamination.

So it's official - She has ingested some unknown amount of Beetle and/or Beetle parts and/or Beetle larvae.

As an adoptive mother, who was unable to exclusively breastfeed her daughter, I am so angry. I trust these companies to provide my baby, who depends on formula as her only source of nutrition, a healthy, safe alternative to breastmilk. It's my only option. It's unfair that I now have to be worried about my daughter's safety and well-being because of something that I've mixed up and put in her body.

On top of all that, we don't get WIC or any sort of assistance to pay for our formula. We go through formula very quickly, and that means we're buying a lot of formula. And at approximately 23 dollars a container --- that's a lot of money. And now, I have to live with the fact that I've spent my own money to buy something that has made my daughter sick and that could make her sicker for all I know. All because someone slacked off in quality control.

What makes me angry is the timing. Couldn't they have caught this sooner, or notified us sooner? Our container is completely empty. How could they not have known this sooner? How could they not have let us know sooner?

I am seriously considering switching to Nestle or Enfamil. I worry that the switch could mess with her system... but really, could it cause her any more gastrointestinal distress than swallowing Beetle parts?

I am so upset right now. :(

Two Month Stats

2010-09-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

Weight: 12lbs 9oz
Length: 23 inches
Head Circumfrence: 15 inches

Two Months!

2010-09-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Meerkat,
Wow! Time is flying by. I can't believe you're two months old already. Two months ago today, mommy was drugged up on A.lka Se.ltzer Plus and nose spray in order to meet you for the first time. I was so sick I could barely walk, but I wasn't going to miss your grand entrance, even if I had to be carried in to see you. And today, on your two month birthday, mommy is sick again. A.lka Se.ltzer is coursing through my veins as I type this. Let's hope this isn't a trend and that I'm sick every two months on your birthday. :p

Where do I begin to talk about this last month... Parts of it have been extremely rough, and other parts have been pure Heaven. Since your one month birthday, your fussiness increased tenfold. For a couple weeks there, there was no calming you down. Nothing worked. The worst night was Wednesday, September 1st. Daddy had to go to work, and it was just me and you at home alone. I was excited to spend some quality mommy-baby time, but you had other plans. About 15 minutes after daddy left, you started screaming. I don't mean loud cries. I mean blood curdling, lose your voice screams. Eventually you started doing this really weird scream that sounded a bit like hyperventilation. I couldn't calm you down. I tried singing, rocking, your swing, swaddling, unswaddling, pacifier, bottle, diaper change, walking, bouncing, talking, TV... etc. etc. Nothing would work. You spit up about 8 times that day, so we think your little tummy was hurting, but you didn't have a fever and didn't seem sick otherwise. You screamed for about 3.5 hours. By the end of the night, mommy was crying with you. I just decided we'd sit together and do nothing, and we just cried and cried together, until you finally fell asleep. And then you slept for HOURS!

Since that night, your fussiness has begun to wear off. Instead, we are now blessed with more happy baby time. You still don't smile much; we're lucky to see one authentic smile a day. But, you will coo and squeal when you're pleased. You got a new playmat, and you love it! You will stare up at the monkey and lion and coo and coo. You completely ignore the tiger and get really upset if you snag your hand on his dangly red heart.

Now we're just waiting for the giggles to start. I can't wait to hear your laughter.

You tolerate bathtime much better now! But, you still prefer a shower. You also tolerate getting dressed and diaper changes much better than you used to. You'll sometimes even coo while we're changing you.

Your sleep routine is very good at night. You sleep from around 12:30am until 5:30 or 6:00am just about every night. Sometimes we get lucky and you sleep until 7. That's rare though. If we swaddle you tight, you'll sleep from 8pm until your midnight feeding, and then you'll go back to sleep afterward.

Your eyes are still blue, though they are starting to darken just a bit. And, you have one little brown spot in your right eye. Speaking of your eyes... they're huge! You have the most beautiful, big eyes in the world. And your eyelashes are so long and luxurious. You could do mascara commercials. :) People keep commenting that you resemble Daddy. It's interesting, because in some ways you do. I see it right around your eyes. It's amazing how that ends up working out.

Meerkat, you've brought this house so much joy! We're so happy that you're here. It's still unreal to look down at you all curled up in my arms, clutching my chest. I'm so thankful for you.

Love,
Mommy

A first mother's perspective...

2010-09-06T06:51:00.000-07:00

I'm a big nerd who is in love with adoption. I am so eager to find other couples who are using our agency, or who have used the agency, or who are just adopting in general. So, every month or so, I do a google search for blogs. This time, I ran across an interesting blog written by a first mother, who has used ANLC not once, but twice. Her story is touching, and it's nice to see a first mother's perspective of our agency that is a good one.

Her blog is here: Baby, Ho!

The thing that struck me first about this blog is her discussion of the photos of potential adoptive couples. It's something that has bothered me about our agency from the moment we had to redo our profile pictures. She says she felt that they were too staged, that the people looked like they were posing, or smiling awkwardly. And, I agree. The problem is, after sending in 85 pictures that are natural, happy moments and sincere smiles and then being told that they all need to be done over again because "there was glare in your glasses" or "you aren't close enough to each other" or "don't cover your eyes" or "you have to look directly at the camera" or "they have to be taken within the last year ONLY" it's hard to smile sincerely. And, the pictures are posed! I hated that aspect of our profiles. We tried to get the most sincere pictures we could. We didn't want to look like a plastic couple. But, it's nice to see that a first mother feels the same way, since all that time we were told "first mothers want to see this... and this... and this... specifically."

Anyway, I love our agency! Love them! Plan to use them again, in fact! So, that's just a minor setback, and something that I can live with. The point of this blog is simply to point you in Kami's direction. Comments are off on her blog because she's gotten some negative feedback. I'm hoping she'll stumble over here at some point to see there are people in her corner. Granted, I'm a bit biased in the whole "pro adoption" campaign... but I truly think it's a beautiful thing.

Wordless Wednesday -- Wildcat edition

2010-09-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

So much...

2010-08-22T20:09:00.001-07:00

I have so much going on right now... Let me try to express it to you:

I have so much to do this week! Finishing up syllabi for my classes tonight. Showing houses throughout the week. Washing loads of laundry--though my loving husband has been doing this mostly, so I might get out of it ;) And although my husband is doing most of the house chores lately (God bless him!), I can't shake the feeling that there's still so much to do. As soon as we dust, we need to dust. As soon as we sweep the floors, a hairball floats down the stairs and settles in the hallway. As soon as we wash a load of dishes, every bottle in the house is dirty. And the baby clothes... Oh. My. Gosh. We have to wash them a lot, and my how they increase the laundry work load. I am thankful though, because Meerkat does not soil her clothing. We only change her clothes once or twice a day. I know from my sister's experience that most babies go through many more outfits a day... aiaiai.

I have so much dread. School starts tomorrow. The normal dread I have for starting up in the Fall pales in comparison to what I feel this year. As much as I love teaching, it is always hard to leave the beauty of summer behind and fall into the rigorous and demanding teaching schedule college requires. No more sleepy summer days. No more late night TV. Now, it's back to grading every day; poor student attitudes; plagiarism cases; lesson planning; reading and reading; etc. Again - I love my job... it's just hard to make that transition with the seasons. And this year is even worse. Not only am I leaving behind muggy, nap-filled summer days - but I'm leaving behind muggy, nap-filled summer days with my baby! Oh how I love how she curls up on my chest, stretching her little arms and breathing that heavy baby breath. Oh how I love wiping the milk as it drips down her chin. Oh how I love her vacant little stares in the middle of the day. And now I will be spending less time enjoying these things... I can no longer dedicate my every hour to Meerkat, as much as I would like to. Now, I have to dedicate some time to work. BOO! HISS! But how thankful I am for the timing of this adoption. I would never have been allowed maternity leave at my job, so these past six weeks with Meerkat have been pure HEAVEN!

I have so much anxiety lately. Meerkat was VERY fussy this week. Thankfully, the last couple days she's been much happier, but earlier this week, I was in tears constantly. She would scream and scream, and nothing would calm her. I'd hold her; I'd feed her; I'd rock her; I'd change her. She just wanted to scream. If she wasn't asleep, she was screaming. There were no happy, contented baby moments on those days. I know it's irrational, but I found myself questioning our bond. I worried that she wasn't feeling connected to me, that maybe I was doing something wrong. I know these are normal mommy fears... but boy were they real to me. I just held her and cried with her. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her. We went on a walk around the neighborhood, and I explained to her my feelings. Of course she doesn't understand, but it helped me sort out my feelings and understand hers. She just needed her baby moment, and I was taking it personally. And when she'd curl herself into me at the end of the day as I rocked her to sleep, I cried again. This baby loves me; she needs me. And I need her. And my God I love her with a love so strong it crushes me right to my knees.

I have so much to be thankful for. As stressed, sleep-deprived, anxious, and nervous as I've felt these past few days, I am equally thankful. I am truly blessed. I have a husband who shares 50/50 in the workload around here (heck sometimes he does more like 75% of the work). He cares for our baby the same as me. He gets up with her; He changes her; He feeds her; He praises her; He plays with her. I watch him and I realize that all the love I've felt for him over the last five years has just been put under a magnifying glass. I swell with pride watching him. That's my husband. And that's my baby. I could sit and watch them together all day long.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-18T20:30:00.001-07:00

One Month Stats

2010-08-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

weight: 9lbs 4oz
length: 21"
head circumfrence: 14"

One Month

2010-08-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Meerkat,

Wow. You're here. Not only are you here, but you've been here for one whole month. This month has been amazing, and amazingly fast. You have already grown so much. I can see it in your smooth, chubby cheeks. I can see it in your long, slender legs. I can hear it in your staticky screams. I can see it in your wide blue eyes. I want to hang onto your "newbornness" a bit more, but you aren't having any of that. You've already outgrown some of my favorite little outfits. And just yesterday, you wore your last newborn diaper -- already into size 1.

Today we celebrated your one month birthday very meekly. We sat around and watched TV. Daddy and I took turns holding you and talking to you. We've been singing you the silly songs your Grandma S. was singing this past weekend when she came to visit you. Today I went to Grandma K's and picked up one of my old stuffed animals that I thought you might like. It's a big mouse I got for Christmas just after a trip to Scotland (hence the tartan). She's big enough for me to measure your growth month after month. So, tonight after cleaning you up, we took your first pictures with 1996 the Scottish Mouse. (Something you'll learn about Mommy is that her sense of humor is different from most, and she got a real kick out of naming that mouse after the year sewn onto her right foot).

Before your picture though, I made the little circle you're wearing in it. I've seen stickers that people can purchase, but mommy is frugal and decided to make her own. I taped it to your onesie myself and then put it in your babybook. I'll keep all twelve for you to look at when you're older! Then, I discovered something new about you. You're a shower baby!!!! Remember this:

Well, someone suggested we try showering you, since you so furiously hate bathtime. So today, mommy took you into the shower with her and what do you know... not a peep. You lay in mommy's arms and let her lather your hair and wash you clean. You loved it. The cold air afterward was not your favorite, but daddy dried you quickly, and then you were a happy girl.

In this month, I've not only learned so much about you, but I've also learned so much about myself. I've learned that it is possible for me to get through a week with as little as four-five hours of sleep every night. I've learned that I am very easily offended by people who play down/put down the beauty of adoption (this is a post for another time, little girl, but trust that mommy will always answer your questions and be the best mommy I can be to you). I have learned that I have the capacity to love something so tiny as your pinky toe with the ferocity of ten thousand tigers. I have learned that I LOVE being a mommy. I love being YOUR mommy. Just like your daddy, you've filled my life with more joy than I can explain in words.

I love you.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-04T12:40:00.001-07:00

Things I should have told you... and tears.

2010-07-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

Things I should have told you:

Dumb me forgot to tell you some very important details about the adoption that may help you understand the process a bit more as you go through it yourself.

First: The ICPC actually went a lot quicker than we expected. We were told it could take up to 14 business days... that's 3 weeks people... Fortunately, our lawyer informed us that it was also possible that it could go a lot quicker. I guess it really depends on how quickly your lawyer puts together the paperwork and how quickly each state is at contacting each other.

You may remember that we were staying at a week-by-week hotel. It was much cheaper than paying for a hotel nightly. This leads me to my suggestion for you: ONLY BOOK ONE WEEK AT A TIME! We booked for two weeks and ended up only staying in that SC for nine days. Now, we did only book one week at first. But, our lawyer got her days mixed up and thought Thursday was Friday. So, on Thursday she told us she wouldn't get the paperwork until Monday and that we could leave on Tuesday morning. So, we went ahead and booked another week, because it was still cheaper than paying for five days at a nightly hotel. Then, right after paying for the next week, she calls us and tells us that she thought today was Friday and she will actually have the paperwork tomorrow (Friday) and that we could leave tomorrow night if we wanted. While this was great news because we wanted to go home, we had also just shelled out a fistful of money for an extra week! We ended up staying until Saturday morning and then coming home. So, keep in close contact with your attorney. They will let you know how the process is going and give you estimates. If you book two or three weeks, in advance, then you might end up paying for days you don't need.

The ICPC process was easy. It was mostly waiting. They started the paperwork the day the relinquishments were signed. It involved faxing us some materials at the hotel, which we had to sign and send back, and then a lot of lawyer to state office, state office to state office, state office to lawyer work. (Confused yet?) :)

We used these nine days to get to know our daughter on our own. I hated being away from home, and really wanted to be sleeping in my own bed, rocking my daughter in my own recliner, watching my own TV, using my own DVR, visiting with our families, and petting my sweet cats (who I missed terribly). However, it was much needed time with our baby. We were able to bond with her, without anyone else around. While it would have been nice to have family helping us out, it was good to just be US. We got used to her cries, her feeding schedule, her need for being held. We spent the time loving her and dedicating ALL of our attention to her - not work or lesson planning, etc. ICPC time actually turned out to be very valuable time to us.

Second: Every state has different birthfather laws, relinquishment laws, and revocation periods. So, your experience may differ from ours, but I figured I would share it so you could have something to compare it to.

In SC, the birthmother goes to a hearing BEFORE the baby is born to determine that there is no coercion taking place. Here, she tells the judge who she's chosen, why she's chosen them, and why she's chosen to pursue adoption. This allows the judge to see that she is making the decision on her own, that there is no "baby buying" taking place, and that she is in the right frame of mind. Some states have this hearing after the baby is born. A had her hearing in June. It went well. Our lawyer got the chance to meet her and talk to her.

After the baby is born, most states require that birthmothers wait 24-72 hours (some states even require weeks) before relinquishments can be signed. In SC, the relinquishments can be signed any time after the baby is born, as long as the birthmother has been off pain medication for a total of four hours. In our case, A had a C-Section. She wanted to rest for a day, and we wanted her to rest for as long as she needed. The lawyers were trying to pressure her into signing the papers the same day the baby was born, but we all wanted them to wait until Saturday or Sunday. Honestly, Nick and I figured that they wouldn't be signed until Monday. I know that if I had just had surgery, I'd want pain meds for as long as I could. (I'm a bit of a wimp).

A signed the papers Saturday morning, not even 24 hours after the baby was born. We were thankful and surprised for such a quick process. In SC there is no revocation period.

In our situation, the birthfather was not named. SC is different from most states, in that the birthmother does not have to release ANY information about the birthfather if she so chooses. A chose not to release his name or identifying information, though we did know his age and race. The way SC handles terminating birthfather rights in such a situation is through advertising. They will run an ad in the paper once a week for three weeks. After that, they must wait 30 days. If no one comes forward, they will terminate the birthfather's rights. Since they have no name, it appears in the paper as a John Doe letter. A's name will not appear in the ad.

Third: Finalization! We will finalize in SC, where the adoption took place. Some states require 3-6 months for finalization, and I believe some are even quicker. In SC, finalization can take place 90 days (3 months) after the initial placement. They need this time to file paperwork with the court, get the birthfather's rights terminated, and have post placement visits. In our case, the post placement visits will be done by the social worker who did our homestudy. Our state requires 6 post placement visits (once a month). That means if we were finalizing here, we would have to wait 6 months for finalization (and probably longer). SC only requires one post placement visit. So, our SW is going to send along her first report to the lawyer, but she still wants to complete her 6 visits. So, we'll still be having post placement visits even after we've finalized. It's very strange to deal with two different states at one time because neither state knows the other state's rules and things like this end up happening. But, we are happy to oblige. We don't mind visits, and it won't change our ability to finalize in three months.

-------

And Tears...

I broke down today. I am working like a dog lately. I have four jobs total. I teach at two different universities, I work as a tutor online, and I am a realtor. Currently, I'm not teaching since it's summer, so I'm only working two jobs right now. But they're kicking my butt. I have been away from the house so much this week - and I hate it. Today, I left the house at 12pm and won't get to go home until 8 or 9pm tonight. (I'm at work right now, answering phones at the office). It's been like this every day this week. What am I going to do when school starts back up????!!!!??? I HATE being away from my Mimi so much.

I didn't think it would be this bad. I knew that I'd be away, but I also knew that when I'm gone she'll be with her Daddy. But I can't stand it. I want to see her chubby cheeks. I want to feed her. I want to change her poopy diaper. I want to sniff her baby feet. I cried and cried before I left for work today. I miss her terribly.

When school starts, I'll be working every day of the week. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I wish I could be a stay at home mom.

Unfortunately, it's just not possible. :(

Peace and Quiet...

2010-07-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah right. :)

M. is a peaceful baby, as long as she is being held. She doesn't like to lay in her bassinet or crib. But, it is easy to calm her. She likes to have her hands held. So, if she gets fussy, we just hold her hands and talk to her and she calms right down.

Of course, I could hold her all day long. This probably doesn't help her get used to sleeping in her crib. But she's just so doggone cute. I could stare at her forever.

I read in a book that babies her age are awake 1 in 10 hours of every day. This means she should only be awake for 2.5 hours a day. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! She is awake much more than this. In fact, a lot of people have commented on her level of alertness. She is awake for hours on end, especially at night.

She's had a few good nights where she'll sleep for six hours straight. But it seems that the majority of the time, she's just not tired at night. Sometimes she'll fuss and scream. Othertimes, she'll lay peacefully, but WIDE eyed and awake.

I have to say, although I'm definitely sleep deprived -- I love every minute of it. I am happy to wake up to a screaming baby. I know that it will get frustrating in time, but for now... I'm just in Heaven!

We've discovered a lot about her in these short two weeks.

She likes:
-Her boppy pillow
-Being held
-The rocker recliner
-Feeding time
-Holding hands
-Her womb sounds bear
-Being burped sitting up on our laps

She dislikes:
-Bedtime
-Having her diaper changed
-Laying alone in her bassinet
-Having her back rubbed

She HATES:
-Bathtime

Her little face turns SO red and she screams so loud that she starts to sound like static. She never screams so severely at any other time. Here's a picture of her post-bath. She's starting to calm down in this picture:

I'm hoping that once we're allowed to tub bathe her that this will change. Time will tell.

Usually though, she's so peaceful and happy. And that puts a smile on both our faces.

The big day...

2010-07-10T15:44:00.001-07:00

Friday was the big day. And guess what... I was SICK!!!! I woke up Thursday with a sore throat and stuffy nose and thought, "Great... If I get any worse, I'm not going to get to see the baby." But, we packed our belongings and started the 8 hour drive to our destination. About an hour into the trip, drugged up with a.lka-s.eltzer plus, I started to feel better. I wasn't sure if it was the medicine or if I was just healing, but I was happy.

There is a cheap-o extended stay hotel about 16 miles from the hospital. Since we have to stay in town for about two weeks, and this place charges by the week, it was a good fit. Let me tell you... you get what you pay for. The bed is a thin little mattress sitting on a piece of wood. The air conditioner is inconsistent. And, it's very small. But, it has a little kitchen, and it works for our budget.

That night, we had dinner with A. She was in really good spirits and suggested her favorite seafood restaurant. Dinner was so good. While there, we decided to give A the present that we bought for her. It was a heart necklace that was half rubies and half crystals, with a tiny gold heart linked to it. I told her that half the heart represented her, half represented me, and the little heart is the baby. She was very gracious and put it on right then and there. Conversation flowed nicely, and we even openly talked about the adoption a little bit. We talked about the fact that she's worried about explaining it to her son, who is four. He knows there's a baby, but he doesn't know about the adoption yet. She doesn't know how to explain it to him. I don't envy her position. It must be very difficult to try to make a child so young understand how and why adoption happens.

After dinner, we all headed home for a good night's sleep. Well, we hoped for a good night's sleep. I woke up at 3:30am sicker than I'd felt the night before. I managed to get back to sleep, but woke up again at 5:30am even sicker. My nose was stuffy and runny. My head hurt. My throat hurt. I had a horrible cough. Keep in mind... This was the big day. THE day. The day that our little girl was going to enter this world. And of all the possible times for me to get sick... this is when it happens! I took my medicine every three and a half hours, and used nose spray to battle the congestion. Surprisingly, it worked fairly well, and I made it through the day without any real trouble. So, we headed to the hospital early in the morning. A had to be there at 7am, and we arrived at 9am. The surgery was scheduled for 11:30am. We were all extremely nervous. A's mom, grandma, and dear friend were all present. Conversation flowed from the moment we got there until the moment A went into surgery. Her grandma is so sweet! She reminds me a lot of my grandma. They were all very supportive, and really helpful to A at this difficult time.

Even though we were all getting along great and smiling and laughing, everyone was scared for A. At her last c-section there were lots and lots of difficulties, resulting in five surgeries, a skin graft, a horrible infection, blood transfusions, and a blood clot in her lung. There were five specialists working with her this time, and that alone made us realize the seriousness of the situation. We were praying that everything would go smoothly and she wouldn't experience any of the trauma that happened last time.

At 11:30am, the nurses wheeled A away and we said our "good lucks" and headed to the waiting room. Her mom was with her for the surgery, so me, nick, the grandma, and friend all had to wait. 11:45 rolled around... no news. 12:00... no news. 12:15... no news. We were getting a little worried at this point. We know that c-sections don't typically take very long, and since it had almost been an hour, we were starting to worry that something bad happened during surgery. At 12:30pm, a nurse came into the waiting room and called for me and nick. OMG! THIS IS IT! We rushed to the hallway to follow the nurse to the nursery, but there in the hall stood A's mom with the baby. She handed her over to us, and we all walked to the nursery together. The baby is perfect! And, to top it off, A's surgery went well; there were no complications. She was headed to recovery soon.

The nurses tagged us with bracelets. Only Nick and I could go back into the nursery. Everyone else had to go to the window. We had to hand her over right away, to be warmed, washed, rewarmed, and fed. There is one nurse in the nursery who is not very nice. She made it very clear that she preferred that we leave. She didn't want us present while she was doing what she needed to do. But, we just wanted to be with our baby. We decided to go ahead and leave and come back when everything was complete. We used this time to call our family members and let them know the baby arrived safe and sound. She weighed 6lbs. 14oz. and is 19 inches long.

We headed back up to the nursery, just in time to watch the bath through the window. Then, we headed down to visit A. She was doing well, and not in too much pain. Our day consisted of going back and forth between A's room and the nursery, where we eventually got to hold and rock the baby. All of the other nurses at the nursery have been great. They're supportive of the adoption and happy for us.

Finally, we called it a night. The lawyer called us, on the way home, and let us know that the relinquishments would be signed the next day (July 10), and told us what to do. Feeling confident and relieved, we went to bed early.

I woke up several times throughout the night, but thankfully I felt much better. My cold has gone away about 85%. We headed back to the hospital and met with the lawyer. She told us to go say goodmorning to our daughter, which we happily did. We were just in time for a feeding, and just in time to learn that she doesn't like to eat. DOES'NT LIKE TO EAT!!!! Who doesn't like to eat??? She will just let the bottle sit in her mouth. She refuses to suck. The nurses have been able to gently force feed her. We're told this is normal. She might have swallowed too much amniotic fluid. So, after a feeding battle, we headed back to the lawyer. She was great. She put our minds at ease, while still telling us about all of the things that could go wrong. She educated us about the adoption proceedings, what would happen next, etc. After about half an hour to an hour, A's attorney appeared, smiling. The papers had been signed! We are officially legal guardians. :)

We said goodbye to our lawyers and then ran to A's room to give her a great big hug. She did not see the baby after birth, and preferred not to have any time at all with her. But, she did take a little stroll to the nursery window after signing the papers to have a peek. She was in as good of spirits as one could be in such a circumstance. We talked for awhile, met more of her family, and enjoyed each other's company.

Again, our day was spent going back and forth a few times, and now we're home for a bit. We're thinking of going back to the hospital to visit the baby here in a little bit. Tomorrow, she will be discharged, and we get to bring her home (to the hotel).

Now, we just wait for the ICPC to clear so we can officially go home!

-------

Introducing:

Baby Miriam
Her name means "longed for child."

Whoa!

2010-06-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

Another change to the due date! Baby M. is now due July 9th. The doctors will perform the C-Section at 11:30am, unless something happens before then.

The nursery is finished (pictures to follow). The baby clothes are washed. The stroller is together. The car seat is ready for installation. The pack 'n play is packed.

Now, we need to get our bags packed and be ready to go at a moment's notice. If nothing happens before the new due date, we will head down to SC on July 8th.

ONLY 9 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One more month...

2010-06-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Less than a month left.

It's hard to believe the time has passed so quickly. I can't believe we found out that we were going to be parents three months ago. And now, we have only one month left

one.

not even one...

In fact, at the end of next week, A will be 37 weeks pregnant, which is considered full term.

We could truly be parents even sooner.

She is scheduled for a C-Section on July 13th. We are planning to leave on July 12th, unless we get called earlier. She has partial placenta previa, just like with her last pregnancy. Last time, she began to hemorrhage at around 36 weeks and had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency C-Section. We are praying that doesn't happen to her this time. If she does go into labor early, we hope that it's nothing dramatic, just some water breaking and a simple trip to the hospital.

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We are working on the nursery. It will be finished soon. We've put up a cute wall sticker with birds and children swinging from a tree. We purchased the crib (it's been delivered) and the bedding (also delivered... but different from what I originally posted about. We chose one with birds). Now, we just have to remove my desk, move the cats' belongings to another room, and put together the baby furniture. I would like to have it finished this week, just incase we get the call earlier than the 13th.

I will post some pictures as soon as we have it finished.

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Wow... One more month... I can hardly contain my excitement.

Visit

2010-05-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

This past weekend we went to visit with A, our b-mom. She was very sweet and pretty. We enjoyed a fun night out at a comedy club, and eating at a steakhouse. Then, the next day we went out for lunch and to watch a movie.

All in all, it was a good trip.

Oh! Almost forgot! You may have noticed that the ticker has suddenly changed to a lower number. That is because the due date is now a week earlier. A is scheduled for a c-section. Fingers crossed, all will go well until then!

P.S. If you pray, keep us in your prayers. If you hope, hope good things will happen. If you send vibes, send good ones our way.

More later...

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for my lax posting lately. It's the end of the semester, which means heavy duty grading. But, that is wrapping up now, and I will have a lot more time to post.

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We're heading to SC in the upcoming weeks to visit A. We can't wait to meet her in person. Though, I will say that I'm very nervous. Will she be okay with me hugging her? Because I really want to just hug her and hug her.

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The real reason for this post:

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers and mothers to be. I can't wait until next year when I will be celebrating mother's day with both my mother and my daughter! What a joy.

Psst...

2010-04-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

Look over there ---->

See that little counter with the swirling baby in the belly?

IT'S UNDER 100!

We're in the double digits now! It won't be long! I just took a break from looking for plagiarism in a student's paper to post this blog, because I realized we now have less than 100 days to go.

Okay, back to grading...

Waiting...

2010-04-07T15:24:00.001-07:00

We haven't talked to A since the second match call. We have exchanged phone numbers, but I think we're both afraid to make that first step without the counselor. We have exchanged addresses, and the counselor has informed us that A is sending us a package. So, that will be our ice-breaker. She mailed it yesterday, so we should receive it this week. We will call her to thank her, and hopefully that will help break the ice.

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Our tiny collection of baby clothes is growing steadily. Our diaper stash is now a box and three bags full. We have a bathtub and a few little toys.

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We're so eager! I can't wait to meet A. I can't wait to hug her and tell her thank you.

I can't wait to meet my little girl. I can't wait to see what color her hair is! How curly will it be? I can't wait to see her little feet and hold her in my arms for the first time.

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I've been online "window shopping." We haven't bought anything online yet, but there are so many things I love.

Our nursery theme is birds and nature... I'm thinking of adding deer to the list. I mean, how CUTE is this:

And, today I found the cutest little shoes! I would wear these if they were a bajillion times bigger:

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See that counter over there -----> It's almost under 100 days!!!

The Second Call

2010-03-26T23:02:00.001-07:00

Thursday was our match call, approximately 2 weeks after our initial "match" notification. Here's the difference:

-The initial match call, or notification call, comes after the birthmother has viewed your profile and said "that's the one!" The counselor then calls the couple, tells them about the match, and runs down a long list of medical histories, likes, dislikes, desires, adoption plans, hospital plans, finances, etc. It's then time to agree to the match or say no. In our case, the match seemed like just the right fit, so we agreed.

After this call is made, there are a series of events that takes place. First, you are given attorney information and asked to call. Then, you deal with some financial obligations. Then, you have the official "match call."

-The official "match call" is when the adoption counselor, the adoptive couple, and the birthmother/father conference call. This usually takes place very soon after the initial match. But, in our situation, circumstances led to the call taking place later than sooner. This was no problem whatsoever, except that it is EXTREMELY nervewracking.

So, for the last two weeks, we've been running scenarios through our minds over and over again. What will she sound like? Is she really for the adoption? Is she being pressured into this? Will she like us once she hears us? Is my voice too nasal? Maybe I'll buy some nose spray... Should I say I'm nervous? Should I say "thank you?" Should we take turns talking? What if she asks a question that takes us by surprise? Etc. Etc. Etc. This was never ending... By the end of this two weeks, I was so completely shaken by the idea of this one simple phone call that I DID use nose spray right before the conversation. And, I could breathe lovely... though I don't think it really changed the tone of my voice. :)

I will say though, once I heard our birthmother, A's, voice, I knew it was alright. She's wonderful! She has the tiniest, cutest little voice. The thing that surprised me was how guided the phone call was. The counselor actually took the lead and asked a bunch of questions to help prevent awkward silences or weird moments. I was so thankful for this. It really helped me to relax and be myself. We simply answered the questions we were asked and laughed and really had a good time. A even asked us if we needed any baby clothes, blankets, etc. I couldn't believe how thoughtful and unselfish of a thing to say. We were floored and told her we'd be honored to accept anything she wanted the baby to have. In the end, we're right on track. Everything is proceeding smoothly for now. We exchanged numbers, and we expect her to call sometime this weekend.

Our next step is to send the retainer to the lawyer, and get a copy of our homestudy sent to him. Then, we'll see if A wants to meet us in May. If she does, we'll start planning that trip.

OH! I almost forgot! She sent us ultrasound pictures too! The counselor informed us that most adoptive couples don't get them, so we're extra lucky. We're so thankful to have such a thoughtful firstmom. She's wonderful!

The picture's not the greatest, but if you look closely you can see her little fist on her chin, the shadowy lips, nose, and eyes, and of course, the shape of her beautiful head. Is it too soon to say I'm in love? Because, I think I am.

Pinch Me

2010-03-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

At 1:15pm today, my phone rang. Since I was at work, my immediate thought was "why would anyone call me while I'm working? They all know I can't answer the phone." It was a break between classes, and I happened to be with my husband at the time. I decided to answer it incase it was an emergency.

It was our agency.

WE'VE BEEN MATCHED!!!!!

Thank God for such a speedy result. I can't even believe it's true. Here are the details as we know them right now:

- It's a GIRL!!!

- She will be born in So.uth C.aro.lina

- Bir.thm.om is Caucasian, Bir.thfa.ther is African American

- She will be here in July!!!

I'm so excited I can barely see straight. I've been absolutely buzzing all day. I feel like I consumed an entire bag of sugar. When she told me we'd been matched, I cried. When she told me it was a girl, I cried even harder.

At those moments, I felt like I'd just finished a marathon. It felt like I crossed the finish line and could finally just collapse. We asked a lot of questions, and then we gave the go ahead. So, we're officially matched.

Of course, it's possible that things could go wrong. We have to go into this with our heads on straight and the knowledge that anything could happen. But for now... for this night... this beautiful end to a beautifully sunny day... I'm going to just be happy.

I will keep you updated on the progress as things occur! Be praying for our journey.

We're Live!!!

2010-03-04T21:11:00.000-08:00

There's been a lot going on lately... some good... some bad. That's why I haven't really been blogging a lot.

However, I am taking a break from the turmoil of everyday living to tell you some excellent news.

OUR PROFILES ARE LIVE!!!

Yep, all three profiles are activated, as of a couple days ago. Now, we are truly just waiting. We are praying that we'll be chosen quickly, and that the birthparents will be confident in their decision.

Yay!

Newest Niece and Nephew

2010-02-10T18:29:00.001-08:00

You may remember from this post, a while ago, that my sister was pregnant with her first child. Well, he's here!!!!

She was scheduled for a C-Section yesterday, February 9th. She had a severe case of scoliosis as a child that resulted in surgery (rods, pins, etc.). Because of this, "normal" childbirth is dangerous for her. It can cause a rod to shift and create permanent mobility problems or paralysis. Because of this, they scheduled the C-Section one week before her due date.

Strangely enough, at 3am Wednesday morning, February 9th, she began having stomach pains. Being new to this stuff, she wasn't sure that she was contracting. Her boyfriend and his mother watched her through the night to be sure she didn't need to go to the hospital earlier than her 9am appointment. Her water never broke, so she assumed all was fine. At 9am, they arrived at the hospital. They asked the nurse to check her as she was feeling a lot of abdominal discomfort. The nurse assured them:

"Your C-Section is scheduled for this afternoon at 11:30am, and we don't usually worry about checking prior to that."

But, when they hooked her up to the monitor and it was registering in the nineties, the nurse called the doctor:

"S is contracting quite heavily and I don't think we'll be able to wait much longer, you should come now. I'll check her dilation."

They checked. She was dilated to 4.

Since the doctor hadn't arrived yet and they knew it was dangerous for her to go into labor, they gave her some medicine to keep her from dilating.

They checked again... just minutes after having checked before... SHE WAS DILATED TO 10!!!

From 4 to 10 in minutes!!!

Thankfully, the doctor arrived quickly and they whisked her away to surgery by 9:50am. When they got into the OR, her water broke.

They had her under in no time, and at 10:20am baby was officially born! He was already in the birth canal, but thankfully there were no complications. He is happy and healthy! He is 7 lbs. 3 oz. and 20.5 inches long!

Now, they just need to pick a name! They are stuck between two choices that they don't agree on, so... it may be another day before we know for sure... but I'll let you know when they decide.

EDIT: Daddy won... they named him Destry Jr. We will be calling him DJ.

Here he is! :) Isn't he adorable!

My sister had to be completely asleep for the procedure, so she didn't get to meet the baby until 1.5 hours after the birth.

She's exhausted, but happy. They're both doing well. I can't wait to see him again tomorrow. It makes me extra anxious for our baby to come home. I can't wait to see them grow up together.

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And, as promised, here's baby Anastasia. Nick's brother and sister-in-law had this beautiful miracle on 12-30-09. She is quite spunky! It should also be noted that she was a BIG surprise. We all thought she was a boy based on the ultrasounds. And, the doctor thought it was going to be a very BIG boy (over 8 lbs.). She was born a healthy, 6 lb. baby girl! :)

Today, February 9, 2010

2010-02-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

--My sister had a beautiful baby boy. 7 lbs. 3 oz.
--Our homestudy was approved!

More to come... with pictures!!! (including some pictures of our niece who was born a month ago --- as previously promised).

Finally! No More Pictures!!!

2010-02-08T16:05:00.000-08:00

Yay! We just got word today, after a week of waiting for CD #2 to arrive. I checked my email and read:

Congratulations!

We have enough marketing material to build your profiles!

Hooray!!!!! Now, we wait anxiously to see them live.

Touching Songs

2010-01-31T15:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm not a country music fan. In fact, I really don't care for it in the least. However, I found these two videos while browsing this couple's blog. I have to tell you... I cried while listening to this first one:

And, here's something for all the birthmothers out there who have given their children up for adoption:

And, here's the story behind the song... equally heartwarming:

2010-01-26T15:14:00.000-08:00

They need more pictures... Our glasses have glare in them...

*sigh*

Here we go again.

YAY!

2010-01-23T16:03:00.001-08:00

Today, we sent our agency/facilitators the CD with our pictures, letters, etc! As long as they are okay with what we've sent them, we should see our profiles live in just a couple weeks or so! And, our homestudy is almost done! We just have one more hour long course to complete on medication administration and then we just wait for our caseworker to send along the homestudy report.

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We took several days and completed a crazy photo session. By the end, we were completely stumped for "activity picture" ideas. We did the best we could with our horrible weather... It was difficult to get any decent outside shots. Hopefully they'll like what we've sent them.

Still Around

2010-01-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm still here! :) It's been a lovely winter break, and we've been enjoying our time off these past couple weeks. But, Monday we go back to work!

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What's new on the adoption front?

We've paid our "sign-on" fees and are currently in the process of putting together our profile materials. It's our goal to have them completely finished during this upcoming week so we can mail them off and get our profiles live ASAP. That's right -- profiles... there are three different websites and two resumes. So, what does that entail?

-Photos: We need approximately 50-60 photos of us looking lovingly at each other, doing fun activities together, doing fun activities alone, our pets, and our house. We currently have about 8 such photos. A common problem it seems, with others completing their profiles, is that we don't get many photos taken of the two of us together. Usually, one of us is manning the camera. So, our together shots are taken at arms length... too close. And, we aren't usually doing anything all that exciting. So, we're planning a photo shoot. We're going to stage some shots of us doing the things we love -- (puzzles, reading, soccer, etc.). This is the biggest hurdle. Once we get the pictures taken, it's smooth sailing.

-Questionnaire: We have to answer a bunch of personal questions for one of the websites we will be marketed on. We've already answered some of them. It's not a difficult task... just time consuming. And, we've answered most of these questions verbally during our homestudy interviews, so it feels very redundant.

-Birthmother Letters: We have to write two. So, I will write one and Nick will write the other. This is the most difficult task to begin. I want to choose just the right words... but it is tough. What do you say to the woman who is about to give you the best gift you will ever receive that will also cause her so much grief?

Once we get these things done, it will take up to 3 weeks for the profiles to be created, and then we begin the long wait. Well, hopefully it won't be too long.

As far as the homestudy goes... we're almost done! Can you believe it???!!! We just have to get CPR certified and have our TB tests done. We are registered for an online CPR class and should be certified within a week or so. We'll have to schedule a TB test... but otherwise, that's it!

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It's been a great couple of weeks! Things are moving right along. We've relaxed. Planning for Spring Semester is over. Christmas was pleasant.

And! I can't believe I didn't mention it until now! Nick's brother and sister-in-law just had a baby! We're an aunt and uncle again! And, my sister is due in February, so we're about to do it all over again! :)

I'll do a post on our niece in the next couple days. Until then, enjoy your weekend! Be safe in the snow!

Snowed In

2009-12-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

No news on the adoption front right now. We're currently answering a bunch of questions about ourselves and filling out paperwork.

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We just finished the largest grading session of the semester: end of term portfolios. I'm so happy to be done with them. Imagine reading 2000 pages and having to comment on every single page... It's grueling. I have approximately 88 students, and each one turns in about 20-25 pages of writing at the end of the semester. But -- it's the only pitfall of the job. Otherwise, I love what I do. And now, it's break time!!!!

Unfortunately, we are snowed in! The sky finally stopped threatening and made good on its promises.

I really dislike snow most of the time. I don't like traveling in it, and I prefer to be warm. I hate bundling up every time I want to leave the house.

But -- when we don't have to go anywhere and work is done for the semester, it can snow all the time. It's quite relaxing and pretty to just stay inside and look out the window.

So, as long as I get one day to Christmas shop this week, I'm okay with the snow.

WooHoo

2009-12-11T15:25:00.000-08:00

We mailed the applications out to the "agency" today.

We anticipate our actual wait will begin in just under a month or so... fingers crossed.

Holiday Wishlist: part 1

2009-12-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

1. Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Radiohead

2. Rosie's Family: An Adoption Story

Lately...

2009-12-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

*Real Estate Licensing Exam -- I spent the last couple days about 150 miles south of home, preparing for and taking the test. I don't get the results for a couple weeks, but my fingers are crossed that before Christmas, I will have a nice part-time real-estate gig.

*Thanksgiving -- We traveled to Nick's parent's house for Thanksgiving. We were there for about four days. How lovely it was to just relax and enjoy time with family. We ate so much great food... I miss it! And, we got to see my brother-in-law and his wife. She's due to have our nephew very soon! I can't wait to meet him. We also got to spend some lovely time with our other nieces and nephews, playing games and talking.

*Home Study Visit 1 -- Oh yes! They did start the process! :) We spent days cleaning and cleaning and cleaning our house. It wasn't all that dirty... but we still weren't fully unpacked from the move in June (oops!) and had to put a bunch of stuff away. They visited, and didn't really look around too closely. Then, we were interviewed and asked a bunch of questions about our home, family, marital relationship, etc. It wasn't bad at all, and my nerves weren't as bad as I thought they would be.

*Home Study Interview 2 -- And, it's moving along quickly. We had our second interview session (individual interviews) recently. We spent about an hour talking about ourselves. It was a bit intense and I babbled a bit. I am very uncomfortable talking about myself so much. But, it went okay.

*Black Friday Shopping -- I got a gift card for "Thanksgistmas" at the in-laws and so, on Black Friday, we went clothes shopping. I got a ton of new sweaters. (I love sweaters).

*First Snowfall -- Today, snow fell here for the first time. I am not a fan of snow, by any means. But, today, it's pretty. I don't have to be anywhere, and I get to relax a bit. My grading is done; my test is done; and I just get to sit for awhile.

It was unseasonably warm the last week or so, and our roses decided to bloom again. I was thrilled to see them in late November/early December. It felt like a very cool summer. And now, they're getting covered in snow. I snapped some pictures as proof.

just thinking...

2009-11-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

I've been very sick the last couple days. Nick has been coddling me through the whole horrible thing. It helps me to see what a great father he will be.

It seems to me that lately, nothing can happen that I don't immediately relate to adoption. I get sick; I think about what a great father Nick will be, and how nice it will be to baby our children when they feel bad. The car overheats; I think about how we should get a new one so we can get around easier as a family once the baby comes. My students confront me angrily; I practice discipline techniques learned in parenting class.

I suppose it's the same thing a pregnant mother would do with all that waiting time. So, I think I'm mentally pregnant -- heart pregnant. This is my time to contemplate and prepare.

Even though I'm sick, even though I'm busy, even though there are hundreds of steps to be completed before we even begin actually "waiting" for our child, I'm happy.

Today is a nice day.

Adoptive Breastfeeding

2009-11-13T22:56:00.000-08:00

Did you know it's possible to breastfeed an adopted child? Even if you've had a complete hysterectomy (as I have) or have gone through menopause, your body is still capable of producing milk.

I found out about this a while ago, and had given it a thought now and again, but now that we are truly beginning the process, I'm thinking about it even more.

I've done a SIGNIFICANT amount of research on this topic. According to a number of studies, the milk of an adoptive mother is equal to that of a birthmother's milk ten days postpartum. So, the child is getting all of the immune and health benefits that a birthmother's milk provides. It's a very healthy choice, and also allows for very valuable bonding time between the new mother and child.

Most adoptive mothers need to supplement their feedings for a little while with an SNS or Lact-Aid type system, as their milk supply continues to grow. But, most are able to eventually produce all the milk their baby needs with a little time and effort.

Please, take a moment to learn a little bit more about it from the following websites:

A very informative website with lots of links that are very valuable in deciding if adoptive breastfeeding is for you. It also contains helpful information for those who decide to follow through.

The best website (in my opinion) about adoptive breastfeeding is Ask Lenore. Here, you can find some FAQs, The Newman-Goldfarb Protocols for induced lactation (including regular, accelerated, and post-menopausal protocols), and message boards to connect with others in the same situation. Be aware that even though there are medicine/hormone induced lactation protocols, you can induce lactation naturally without the assistance of drugs. But, if you choose to use the Domperidone, there is no risk to the child or mother. The drug does not cross the blood-brain barrier as does Reglan, and does not express in the milk in any significant quantity.

A collection of moving stories from adoptive mothers who have breastfed their children can be found here, courtesy of La Leche League Intl.

A very nice blog post about adoptive breastfeeding that also deals with possible first-mother reactions and hospital etiquette.

What do you think about Adoptive Breastfeeding? Are you planning to breastfeed your child? Have you had success/failure with it?

Show and Tell: Halloween

2009-11-07T09:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know this is a little late, but I wanted to participate.

So, Halloween has come and gone. As a child, I wasn't allowed to celebrate Halloween. So, we didn't dress up in costumes, and we didn't get candy. We went to church. Okay, okay... we did get a little bit of candy at church. But our little brown lunch-sacks are pathetic compared to the overflowing PILLOWCASES that some of the kids in our neighborhood were carrying around this halloween.

Now that I'm an adult, I choose to dress up for Halloween. I've always been a fan of getting into costume. I dabbled in theatre in High School. Once I even got to dress up as a male detective. I had so much fun gluing facial hair under my nose and padding my gut. I was also in a chamber choir in high school. There, we got to dress up in medievel costumes and sing old, old songs.

Anyway, this halloween, I broke out my old choir costume and decided to be a creepy queen. I gathered some inspiration for the make-up from Tim Burton's Queen of Hearts. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the back of the costume to zip up, as I've gained about 35 pounds since high school ended ten years ago. I had to stay seated on the porch the entire time, with my back to the house. But, no one was the wiser.

Nick dressed up as a zombie. He got his hands on an old suit jacket and tore it to shreds. Then, he proceeded to scare the neighborhood children without even trying. It was so cute! Thankfully, the children weren't scared enough to run away. They got their candy and then cautiously fled the porch clinging to their parents. :)

Last year, we were superheroes. The year before that, Nick was a giant poodle (complete with pink bow) and I was a masked wrestler. I can't wait until next year!!!!

Edit:
Oh yeah! Kitsch dressed up too. He was Frankenstein again this year. (I love this costume.

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Now, you participate! It's not too late! Just visit:

Agency Found?

2009-10-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

As you may remember, we were looking for an adoption agency to sign up with when I started this blog. We've researched so many of them!!! We checked out Adoption Network Law Center, which isn't quite an agency or facilitator. They're more like a hybrid of both. We telephone conferenced with them and it seems like a lovely center. However, in researching them more thoroughly, I've seen way more bad reviews and ratings than positive ones. So... now we don't know what to do.

I love that they seem to do very thorough background checks and that they have a fairly low match-time due to their aggressive marketing. But, the thing I'm currently drawn to about ANLC is that they have a financing application. We may need to get a loan, as we need $30,000 and only have $100 saved right now. The other bonus is that they take the payments in chunks rather than all at once like other agencies (American Adoptions, etc.). We need $6,800 to start the process... so that is our immediate goal.

If you know anything about this place, please leave us a comment. Or, if you have other suggestions. If you are uncomfortable discussing them in a public venue such as this, I will send you my e-mail address so we can talk privately.

So, for now... I'm going to declare them our top choice. Now... where to come up with that first $6,800...

Baby Shower Let-Down...

2009-10-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to throw my sister's baby shower. We had already discussed it. I asked her to get me a list of addresses. I had a place picked out. I had an approximate date -- I was waiting to see if it would work for everyone.

Today, we get a text from the paternal grandmother to be (who my sister lives with) and find out that she's already planned it. She has a place and a date picked out. She wants us to decorate.

I'm very heartbroken that I wasn't told about this earlier. I've been planning it for months!

Is it wrong for me to be sad about this?

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I promise I'll post something happy soon...

Day 2 of classes...

2009-10-15T13:01:00.001-07:00

Tuesday night was PRIDE training class #2. The video discussed different forms of child abuse, as well as attachment disorders. Of course, this was only really relevant for couples who are doing foster care. The entire class is virtually focused on foster care.

They focus primarily on re-unification and have pretty much said that adoption is the last option for a child and is not ideal. So, that leaves people like us, who are infertile, out in the cold.

We've decided to wait on foster care until a later time. This is our first child, and we can't have any of our own, so we wanted to start off with an infant adoption. We haven't parented before and would like the opportunity to start from scratch. We aren't ready, just yet, for the behavioral challenges of an older child adoption. We've told the agency we would like to do this eventually, just not this time.

The agency that we are using for the homestudy (Children's Home Society) informed us that they don't really do any infant placements, because there aren't many WV birthmothers coming to them. They told us that we could do our homestudy through them and our post-placement. We agreed to find a different agency (a national agency) to do the actual first-parents search and placement.

We filled out the application, we paid $58 to have our fingerprints done and background checks, we've photocopied our IDs, and we've visited the doctor and had a physical. I rearranged my real-estate classes so we could attend PRIDE training now.

Today, I got an email from CHS saying that they will not start our homestudy now because they want to focus on foster parents and not adoptive parents!!!

We have NO other option. I looked into DHHR and they only do foster-adopt/older WV child adoption homestudies. Burlington Methodist services charges $25,000 and will still require us to sign up with another agency (for a grand total of $50-$80,000). And, there are no other agencies near us. We have no one else to complete our homestudy.

We are at a stand still.

Why is this so difficult? All I want is to be a mother. Why won't anyone help us?

Parenthood For Me -- Grant Opportunity

2009-10-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

If you are going through the adoption process, as we are, you are probably familiar with the LARGE amounts of money required. For most of us, this type of money is impossible to come by without a little help. Recently, I came across a new program that seems very promising. I had not seen any advertising for this not-for-profit organization yet, and merely stumbled upon it through last weeks Show and Tell.

Please help this organization get its name out into the web-o-sphere. This will not only potentially help many prospective adoptive parents, but it will also allow people to visit the site and donate to the growing fund. This is beneficial to the organization, but even more so to you! The more people that visit and donate, the more possibilities Parenthood For Me will have to help adoptive parents like us!

Here is some information:

Parenthood For Me (PFM) is now a national not-for-profit. Their mission is to provide financial and emotional support to those building their families through adoption or medical intervention. They will be accepting their first grant applications in January 2010. The first set of grants will be awarded in June 2010. Visit the website FAQ page to find out more details.

You can find them at:
http://www.parenthoodforme.org

And blogging at:
http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com/

In addition, PFM is holding a giveaway on their blog in order to boost the public's awareness of the program. Feel free to participate to help out this wonderful organization!

And, if you apply for a grant -- Good Luck!!!

PRIDE Training: Day 1

2009-10-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of our PRIDE training, the nine week course that must be completed prior to finalization of our homestudy.

As you may remember, there was some drama over the day that was chosen for these meetings. Tuesday nights were one of the nights of the week that I was simply unavailable. I was quite stressed out over the thought of having to wait five months before we could get our homestudy done. Thankfully, I was able to work something out.

In order to attend the training, I have to travel to work with my husband and wait for him while he teaches. Today, on our way to his class, I managed to drive the car over a ditch. It was noisy and a bit scary, but we were no worse for wear and the car seemed to be just fine. I was a bit upset with myself for not seeing it, and I stewed about it while Nick taught.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, when we were getting into the car to head for PRIDE training, we spotted a flat tire. A FLAT TIRE!!!!! It was near 5:00pm and we had to be at the training by 6:00pm. We have a spare tire, but it is fairly worn. Not to mention, we live half hour away from work and couldn't risk riding all the way home and then all the way back out tomorrow. We had to go to the shop and have the tire fixed. By 5:00pm, Nick had the spare on and the old tire in the trunk, and we were on our way to the shop.

We must have sat in traffic for half an hour.

Finally, we arrived at the shop, only to be told we would have to wait one and half hours before they could get the car in to be worked on. It was already closing in on 6pm... there was no way we could make it to the class on time.

At this point, I was slipping into my "this is God's way of telling me something" mode. My mind immediately went back to finding out about my infertility... those horrible months where I blamed God, and figured that He didn't see me as fit to parent a child. I started thinking, "He must be trying to tell me something... the class was scheduled on a day that wasn't good for me and now that I rearranged my schedule, this happens. He really doesn't want me to be a mother." I know in my heart that this isn't true. I know that was my self-pity, my anger, my anxiousness talking. But, I was just so frustrated.

Nick was calm. He's always calm. This is definitely one of the reasons I love him so much. He balances me out. He was right there to put his hand over mine and whisper: "I love you." Even though he had every right to be upset with me for driving us into the ditch in the first place.

His calmness calmed me down. I went for a walk. I took some headache medicine. I called Children's Home Society (our homestudy agency), and told them what was going on. They were very understanding and told us to come on in whenever we finished.

Eventually, I forgave myself for the blunder.

At around 6:45pm the car was finished... much quicker than they estimated. So, we headed over to the class, and we arrived a little after 7pm.

Finally, we were there!

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Class One and Two (combined in one evening):

There were three other couples in the room when we got there. We apologized again for our tardiness, and then we introduced ourselves to the couples. The social worker allowed us to take the video they had already watched, in order to make up the missed portion of class.

For the remaining two hours, we discussed reasons for fostering/adopting, birthparents, reunification, and permanence.

Most of the information was introductory, today. But, we were given some homework to fill out, and a family tree assignment.

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I'm looking forward to the rest of the training. I'm just hoping that we don't run into any delays next week.

Show and Tell: Our cats!

2009-09-30T16:58:00.001-07:00

Well, this being my first show and tell, I certainly have to display my favorite things in the world (that aren't people)... Our cats!

When I was a little girl, I suffered from horrible cat allergies. This was a nuissance considering we had several cats as pets. One day, probably when I was about six or seven, while peering through our Encyclopedia set, I stumbled upon the most amazing creature and decided right then and there that I would own one someday. It was a Sphynx cat. I was in love with the image, but I was even more in love with the idea that this cat could potentially solve some of my allergy problems. Why? Because THEY HAVE NO HAIR!!!! Now, the breed is fairly new and there are some that have a little more "fuzz" than others... but they are typically virtually hairless. Since dander is usually what people are allergic to when they suffer cat/pet allergies, it wasn't for certain that my problems would be solved. But, I love cats and can't live without them, so I wanted to try this alternative.

It was years before I was actually able to purchase one of these pets, as they tend to be a little on the expensive side. Thanks to student loans, while I was in graduate school, I decided to splurge on something that I wanted more than a headboard. So, I found Kitsch:

Kitsch is completely hairless except for a small bit of fuzz on his ears and tail. When I first purchased him, I called him Tut. But, he wouldn't respond to that. So, one day I ran through a bunch of different names, and when I called "Kitsch!" he came running!!! So, he picked his own name. And it's fitting, if you're familiar with the word's meaning. :)

Thankfully, with moderate bathing and upkeep, my allergies have been non-existant since I got him.

Then, a couple years later, after my husband and I were married and moved to another state, we decided to expand our cat family. We want to save money for adoption and other expenses, obviously, so we didn't go for another sphynx this time. Instead, we opted for a short-haired cat. I planned to bathe her and brush her frequently, to avoid any puffy eyes and sneezing. But, after about a week, I didn't feel any allergy symptoms and haven't since. It's amazing! I don't know if my allergies have disappeared completely, but they certainly aren't bothered by her hair. I can bury my face in it (when she'll let me) and I don't sniffle, snort, or sneeze.

We decided to name her Face. It's quite the appropriate name, as she has one of the cutest faces you'll ever see. We happened to snap the perfect picture to illustrate how she got her name:

The cats' personalities are polar opposites. Kitsch loves to cuddle. Face likes to stay at arms length. Kitsch can't jump well. Face jumps all over the place. Kitsch doesn't mess with the dining room suit. Face likes to play with hairthings on the tabletop. :) The only thing they have in common is their hatred for the vaccuum and their love for one another. They get along great.

So, now that I've "shown and told," isn't it your turn? Head on over to Mel's Blog to play along. It's a great way to bring people together and see interesting things!

Revving up

2009-09-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

PRIDE training begins next week. I'm actually a little excited about it, because it means we are that much closer to our baby.

As a side note: This weekend, we travel to Nicholas' parents house. I'm very anxious to get a little trip away from home. We didn't do anything all summer. I'm also very excited to see the family. It's been so long!

Our Separate Journeys (And a Very Special Addition)

2009-09-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

My sister is pregnant.

I've known this for awhile now, but wasn't allowed to say anything until she made it public. Now it is.

So. My sister is pregnant.

I'm excited to meet this little one. I'm overwhelmed by the joy of a new baby in the family.

It's a little surreal to be honest with you. I'm her elder by eight years and I always thought I would be the first to give my mom a grandbaby.

But now, my sister is pregnant.

I feel like it needs that space around it. It's like, I can't really comprehend it. I can't wiggle myself into that place where it's me and her enjoying this ride together as sisters who are about to be a mom and an auntie. I feel like an outsider, watching it all happen but not participating. We're both happy, but we're happy separately. And, I know she probably feels the same about our situation. She is happy for our process. She is excited to be an aunt to our future baby. But, she's watching us and feeling disconnected from our journey.

MY LITTLE SISTER IS PREGNANT!

I've seen the ultrasounds. I've driven her to appointments. I've cooed and awed over her growing belly. I'm genuinely happy for her. I am involved. But, something in me feels separated from the process.

She's pregnant.

And I'm not.

And I never will be.

I've dealt with my infertility in the past. But, I don't think the wound ever really goes away. It hurts. Even in the middle of such happiness and excitement, it still hurts.

I feel I need to write this because I promised in our "about us" section that we would chronicle our fears, the ins and outs, etc. etc. etc. And this is a big part of adoption, right? Dealing with infertility head on? Not approaching it on tippy toe and pretending that "I'm over it."

In order to BE over it, I have to GET over it. And I can't GET over it if I stay away from it...

So here I am.

And here it is:

I am upset when I hear pregnant women complaining about being pregnant.

I am sad that my sister's belly is filled with movement for the first time and she can feel it, but I can't.

I am jealous. And, I'm angry with myself for being jealous.

I am upset that we have to take classes to be allowed to parent a child, but fertile couples don't.

I am sad that most women wait nine months for their babies and I don't know how long we'll have to wait for ours.

BUT. And this is a big BUT. I am honestly happy to be an aunt. I can't wait to rub that baby's fluffy head. I can't wait to spoil him rotten.

I've mourned the inability to have biological children. I'm so happy to adopt. But, I don't think I ever truly dealt with the loss of the pregnancy itself ... not the baby, just the pregnancy aspect of it... the road to that baby. I guess I didn't give it as much thought because I was so consumed by the thought of not having a child . Now, I'm consumed by the thought of not having a child.

I'm not hiding my feelings. My family knows how I feel. They know that I'm hurting. But they also know that I am thrilled with my family being formed through adoption and all the possibilities that brings. I'm happy to be on a different road, sometimes I just wish I could give the other one a try. :)

This "adoption road" has two lanes... one is coping with the infertility, the other is the excitement of the adoption process. They both head the same direction. they are connected. It's possible to travel in either lane at any given time and still head straight toward our destination - our baby. It's cheesy, it's hokey... but it gives me comfort.

So my sister's pregnant.

And, I'm not.

And that's okay.

I think he looks like me. ;)

Crisis Averted!

2009-09-24T20:47:00.001-07:00

Okay... so I may have gotten bent out of shape a little too soon. It turns out we'll be able to make the classes after all!

---

I'm currently enrolled in a real-estate course, in addition to my full teaching load. I'm doing this so I can make some money in the summertime and hopefully afford these adoption expenses. Anyway, my course meets on Tuesday and Thursday evenings from 6pm-9pm. I didn't think anything could be done. Thankfully, my instructor has allowed me to switch to correspondence course on Tuesdays and I will still attend Thursday's classes.

He's a doll! I could've just grabbed him and hugged him right there in the middle of the classroom.

Delay

2009-09-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

As part of our homestudy process, we are required to attend PRIDE training sessions. This is basically a nine-week parenting class that meets one night a week for three hours at a time. The homestudy can't be completed without this training.

Today, we found out that the next class begins in October -- Great! Right? No. It is on Tuesday nights, during one of the only times I told them we were unavailable. That means we have to wait another nine weeks before we can begin training. That nine weeks on top of the actual nine weeks of the class, and any down time in between, and we can't even have our homestudy completed for another FIVE MONTHS!!!!!!

I don't know what to do. Apparently, PRIDE training is required of all adoptive parents in this state. Therefore, we have no other alternatives. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. I'm going to have to practice my patience and try to figure something out. We are very eager to get the homestudy completed so we can sign up with an agency and begin applying for loans, grants, etc. to help cover a small percentage of the cost.

Here's hoping we can arrange something that will work for everyone.

Our First Steps...

2009-09-22T21:48:00.001-07:00

I always knew adoption would fit into my life, I just didn't know how. Then, at the age of 18, I was informed that I could not bear my own biological children. After surgery, this was cinched. Infertility caused us much heartache for awhile, but it has ultimately given us the chance to help another heartbroken woman find a happy home for her baby. The alternative of adoption is our glimmer of hope.

Recently, my husband and I have decided to begin the process. We've been wanting to do this for awhile now, but were never "settled" enough to do it. Now that we've purchased a home and "laid down roots," we feel that we're more than ready.

We are currently pursuing a domestic adoption, which means we are adopting within the US. We are looking for an infant this time and are happy to have a baby of any race or gender.

Today we attended an adoption/foster care open house at Children's Home Society. They are a licensed agency, but have informed us that their infant placement rate is low. They placed two last year and none this year. However, they will do the homestudy for us and the post-placement once our baby is home. Their fee is $3,000. That is our first hurdle.

Next, we begin the process of agency selection. We've been warned against facilitators. Apparently there are agency-like programs that will advertise for you and find your child, but you still have to pay adoption agency fees on top of their fees. These are illegal in several states. We're considering:

--American Adoptions
--Independent Adoption Center
--The Gladney Center for Adoption

It seems as though agency fees run approximately $17,000-$40,000 for domestic infant adoptions.

With that much money on the line, we want to choose an agency that will be the best fit for us. It's very daunting to visit so many websites and not know which one is the best.

If you have been through this process, what agency did you use with great success? If you know of a reputable agency, please let us know.

Stay tuned... the journey has just begun and there will be much fun ahead! :)