So much...

I have so much going on right now... Let me try to express it to you:

• I have so much to do this week! Finishing up syllabi for my classes tonight. Showing houses throughout the week. Washing loads of laundry--though my loving husband has been doing this mostly, so I might get out of it ;) And although my husband is doing most of the house chores lately (God bless him!), I can't shake the feeling that there's still so much to do. As soon as we dust, we need to dust. As soon as we sweep the floors, a hairball floats down the stairs and settles in the hallway. As soon as we wash a load of dishes, every bottle in the house is dirty. And the baby clothes... Oh. My. Gosh. We have to wash them a lot, and my how they increase the laundry work load. I am thankful though, because Meerkat does not soil her clothing. We only change her clothes once or twice a day. I know from my sister's experience that most babies go through many more outfits a day... aiaiai.

I have so much dread. School starts tomorrow. The normal dread I have for starting up in the Fall pales in comparison to what I feel this year. As much as I love teaching, it is always hard to leave the beauty of summer behind and fall into the rigorous and demanding teaching schedule college requires. No more sleepy summer days. No more late night TV. Now, it's back to grading every day; poor student attitudes; plagiarism cases; lesson planning; reading and reading; etc. Again - I love my job... it's just hard to make that transition with the seasons. And this year is even worse. Not only am I leaving behind muggy, nap-filled summer days - but I'm leaving behind muggy, nap-filled summer days with my baby! Oh how I love how she curls up on my chest, stretching her little arms and breathing that heavy baby breath. Oh how I love wiping the milk as it drips down her chin. Oh how I love her vacant little stares in the middle of the day. And now I will be spending less time enjoying these things... I can no longer dedicate my every hour to Meerkat, as much as I would like to. Now, I have to dedicate some time to work. BOO! HISS! But how thankful I am for the timing of this adoption. I would never have been allowed maternity leave at my job, so these past six weeks with Meerkat have been pure HEAVEN!

• I have so much anxiety lately. Meerkat was VERY fussy this week. Thankfully, the last couple days she's been much happier, but earlier this week, I was in tears constantly. She would scream and scream, and nothing would calm her. I'd hold her; I'd feed her; I'd rock her; I'd change her. She just wanted to scream. If she wasn't asleep, she was screaming. There were no happy, contented baby moments on those days. I know it's irrational, but I found myself questioning our bond. I worried that she wasn't feeling connected to me, that maybe I was doing something wrong. I know these are normal mommy fears... but boy were they real to me. I just held her and cried with her. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her. We went on a walk around the neighborhood, and I explained to her my feelings. Of course she doesn't understand, but it helped me sort out my feelings and understand hers. She just needed her baby moment, and I was taking it personally. And when she'd curl herself into me at the end of the day as I rocked her to sleep, I cried again. This baby loves me; she needs me. And I need her. And my God I love her with a love so strong it crushes me right to my knees.

I have so much to be thankful for. As stressed, sleep-deprived, anxious, and nervous as I've felt these past few days, I am equally thankful. I am truly blessed. I have a husband who shares 50/50 in the workload around here (heck sometimes he does more like 75% of the work). He cares for our baby the same as me. He gets up with her; He changes her; He feeds her; He praises her; He plays with her. I watch him and I realize that all the love I've felt for him over the last five years has just been put under a magnifying glass. I swell with pride watching him. That's my husband. And that's my baby. I could sit and watch them together all day long.

Wordless Wednesday

One Month Stats

weight: 9lbs 4oz
length: 21"
head circumfrence: 14"

One Month

Dear Meerkat,

Wow. You're here. Not only are you here, but you've been here for one whole month. This month has been amazing, and amazingly fast. You have already grown so much. I can see it in your smooth, chubby cheeks. I can see it in your long, slender legs. I can hear it in your staticky screams. I can see it in your wide blue eyes. I want to hang onto your "newbornness" a bit more, but you aren't having any of that. You've already outgrown some of my favorite little outfits. And just yesterday, you wore your last newborn diaper -- already into size 1.

Today we celebrated your one month birthday very meekly. We sat around and watched TV. Daddy and I took turns holding you and talking to you. We've been singing you the silly songs your Grandma S. was singing this past weekend when she came to visit you. Today I went to Grandma K's and picked up one of my old stuffed animals that I thought you might like. It's a big mouse I got for Christmas just after a trip to Scotland (hence the tartan). She's big enough for me to measure your growth month after month. So, tonight after cleaning you up, we took your first pictures with 1996 the Scottish Mouse. (Something you'll learn about Mommy is that her sense of humor is different from most, and she got a real kick out of naming that mouse after the year sewn onto her right foot).

Before your picture though, I made the little circle you're wearing in it. I've seen stickers that people can purchase, but mommy is frugal and decided to make her own. I taped it to your onesie myself and then put it in your babybook. I'll keep all twelve for you to look at when you're older! Then, I discovered something new about you. You're a shower baby!!!! Remember this:

Well, someone suggested we try showering you, since you so furiously hate bathtime. So today, mommy took you into the shower with her and what do you know... not a peep. You lay in mommy's arms and let her lather your hair and wash you clean. You loved it. The cold air afterward was not your favorite, but daddy dried you quickly, and then you were a happy girl.

In this month, I've not only learned so much about you, but I've also learned so much about myself. I've learned that it is possible for me to get through a week with as little as four-five hours of sleep every night. I've learned that I am very easily offended by people who play down/put down the beauty of adoption (this is a post for another time, little girl, but trust that mommy will always answer your questions and be the best mommy I can be to you). I have learned that I have the capacity to love something so tiny as your pinky toe with the ferocity of ten thousand tigers. I have learned that I LOVE being a mommy. I love being YOUR mommy. Just like your daddy, you've filled my life with more joy than I can explain in words.

I love you.

Wordless Wednesday

Things I should have told you... and tears.

Things I should have told you:

Dumb me forgot to tell you some very important details about the adoption that may help you understand the process a bit more as you go through it yourself.

First: The ICPC actually went a lot quicker than we expected. We were told it could take up to 14 business days... that's 3 weeks people... Fortunately, our lawyer informed us that it was also possible that it could go a lot quicker. I guess it really depends on how quickly your lawyer puts together the paperwork and how quickly each state is at contacting each other.

You may remember that we were staying at a week-by-week hotel. It was much cheaper than paying for a hotel nightly. This leads me to my suggestion for you: ONLY BOOK ONE WEEK AT A TIME! We booked for two weeks and ended up only staying in that SC for nine days. Now, we did only book one week at first. But, our lawyer got her days mixed up and thought Thursday was Friday. So, on Thursday she told us she wouldn't get the paperwork until Monday and that we could leave on Tuesday morning. So, we went ahead and booked another week, because it was still cheaper than paying for five days at a nightly hotel. Then, right after paying for the next week, she calls us and tells us that she thought today was Friday and she will actually have the paperwork tomorrow (Friday) and that we could leave tomorrow night if we wanted. While this was great news because we wanted to go home, we had also just shelled out a fistful of money for an extra week! We ended up staying until Saturday morning and then coming home. So, keep in close contact with your attorney. They will let you know how the process is going and give you estimates. If you book two or three weeks, in advance, then you might end up paying for days you don't need.

The ICPC process was easy. It was mostly waiting. They started the paperwork the day the relinquishments were signed. It involved faxing us some materials at the hotel, which we had to sign and send back, and then a lot of lawyer to state office, state office to state office, state office to lawyer work. (Confused yet?) :)

We used these nine days to get to know our daughter on our own. I hated being away from home, and really wanted to be sleeping in my own bed, rocking my daughter in my own recliner, watching my own TV, using my own DVR, visiting with our families, and petting my sweet cats (who I missed terribly). However, it was much needed time with our baby. We were able to bond with her, without anyone else around. While it would have been nice to have family helping us out, it was good to just be US. We got used to her cries, her feeding schedule, her need for being held. We spent the time loving her and dedicating ALL of our attention to her - not work or lesson planning, etc. ICPC time actually turned out to be very valuable time to us.

Second: Every state has different birthfather laws, relinquishment laws, and revocation periods. So, your experience may differ from ours, but I figured I would share it so you could have something to compare it to.

In SC, the birthmother goes to a hearing BEFORE the baby is born to determine that there is no coercion taking place. Here, she tells the judge who she's chosen, why she's chosen them, and why she's chosen to pursue adoption. This allows the judge to see that she is making the decision on her own, that there is no "baby buying" taking place, and that she is in the right frame of mind. Some states have this hearing after the baby is born. A had her hearing in June. It went well. Our lawyer got the chance to meet her and talk to her.

After the baby is born, most states require that birthmothers wait 24-72 hours (some states even require weeks) before relinquishments can be signed. In SC, the relinquishments can be signed any time after the baby is born, as long as the birthmother has been off pain medication for a total of four hours. In our case, A had a C-Section. She wanted to rest for a day, and we wanted her to rest for as long as she needed. The lawyers were trying to pressure her into signing the papers the same day the baby was born, but we all wanted them to wait until Saturday or Sunday. Honestly, Nick and I figured that they wouldn't be signed until Monday. I know that if I had just had surgery, I'd want pain meds for as long as I could. (I'm a bit of a wimp).

A signed the papers Saturday morning, not even 24 hours after the baby was born. We were thankful and surprised for such a quick process. In SC there is no revocation period.

In our situation, the birthfather was not named. SC is different from most states, in that the birthmother does not have to release ANY information about the birthfather if she so chooses. A chose not to release his name or identifying information, though we did know his age and race. The way SC handles terminating birthfather rights in such a situation is through advertising. They will run an ad in the paper once a week for three weeks. After that, they must wait 30 days. If no one comes forward, they will terminate the birthfather's rights. Since they have no name, it appears in the paper as a John Doe letter. A's name will not appear in the ad.

Third: Finalization! We will finalize in SC, where the adoption took place. Some states require 3-6 months for finalization, and I believe some are even quicker. In SC, finalization can take place 90 days (3 months) after the initial placement. They need this time to file paperwork with the court, get the birthfather's rights terminated, and have post placement visits. In our case, the post placement visits will be done by the social worker who did our homestudy. Our state requires 6 post placement visits (once a month). That means if we were finalizing here, we would have to wait 6 months for finalization (and probably longer). SC only requires one post placement visit. So, our SW is going to send along her first report to the lawyer, but she still wants to complete her 6 visits. So, we'll still be having post placement visits even after we've finalized. It's very strange to deal with two different states at one time because neither state knows the other state's rules and things like this end up happening. But, we are happy to oblige. We don't mind visits, and it won't change our ability to finalize in three months.

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And Tears...

I broke down today. I am working like a dog lately. I have four jobs total. I teach at two different universities, I work as a tutor online, and I am a realtor. Currently, I'm not teaching since it's summer, so I'm only working two jobs right now. But they're kicking my butt. I have been away from the house so much this week - and I hate it. Today, I left the house at 12pm and won't get to go home until 8 or 9pm tonight. (I'm at work right now, answering phones at the office). It's been like this every day this week. What am I going to do when school starts back up????!!!!??? I HATE being away from my Mimi so much.

I didn't think it would be this bad. I knew that I'd be away, but I also knew that when I'm gone she'll be with her Daddy. But I can't stand it. I want to see her chubby cheeks. I want to feed her. I want to change her poopy diaper. I want to sniff her baby feet. I cried and cried before I left for work today. I miss her terribly.

When school starts, I'll be working every day of the week. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I wish I could be a stay at home mom.

Unfortunately, it's just not possible. :(

Peace and Quiet...

Yeah right. :)

M. is a peaceful baby, as long as she is being held. She doesn't like to lay in her bassinet or crib. But, it is easy to calm her. She likes to have her hands held. So, if she gets fussy, we just hold her hands and talk to her and she calms right down.

Of course, I could hold her all day long. This probably doesn't help her get used to sleeping in her crib. But she's just so doggone cute. I could stare at her forever.

I read in a book that babies her age are awake 1 in 10 hours of every day. This means she should only be awake for 2.5 hours a day. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! She is awake much more than this. In fact, a lot of people have commented on her level of alertness. She is awake for hours on end, especially at night.

She's had a few good nights where she'll sleep for six hours straight. But it seems that the majority of the time, she's just not tired at night. Sometimes she'll fuss and scream. Othertimes, she'll lay peacefully, but WIDE eyed and awake.

I have to say, although I'm definitely sleep deprived -- I love every minute of it. I am happy to wake up to a screaming baby. I know that it will get frustrating in time, but for now... I'm just in Heaven!

We've discovered a lot about her in these short two weeks.

She likes:
-Her boppy pillow
-Being held
-The rocker recliner
-Feeding time
-Holding hands
-Her womb sounds bear
-Being burped sitting up on our laps

She dislikes:
-Bedtime
-Having her diaper changed
-Laying alone in her bassinet
-Having her back rubbed

She HATES:
-Bathtime

Her little face turns SO red and she screams so loud that she starts to sound like static. She never screams so severely at any other time. Here's a picture of her post-bath. She's starting to calm down in this picture:


I'm hoping that once we're allowed to tub bathe her that this will change. Time will tell.

Usually though, she's so peaceful and happy. And that puts a smile on both our faces.