Wordless Wednesday (Wig Edition)

AKA Toddlers and Tiara's Reject Edition:

Rambling...

Here I sit, on a lonely Saturday night, missing my husband who is away working for the weekend. I pick him up bright and early in the morning, meaning I should be sleeping so I can wake up and get meerkat ready and head out the door. But, I can't sleep...

I've had a headache all day, and when I get these headaches, it usually affects my mood and makes me feel a bit down in the dumps. Combine that with a sleeping baby, quiet house, tons of work to do, and a list of things that need doing that will never end, and you have one rattled woman. I'm not rattled in the sense that I'm depressed or unnerved... I just contemplate a lot in times like these. A lot a lot...

I tend to think about the future when I'm in these moods. In the past, I would ponder whether or not I would ever be a mommy. I would question God and the Universe about why exactly I was "cursed" with this horrible condition that causes me to be infertile. I would wonder if we would ever have enough money to afford adoption. I wondered if we would ever be chosen. I wondered if we would be happy. Would we make it? Would our baby love us and think of us as her parents? Would we want an open adoption? Would we want a foster/adopt scenario? Would we want an infant? Would we do international adoption? Would we try to get a surrogate? What would we do? Would I be an "old" mother? Would I have a big family, like I've always dreamed of? Where would the money come from? If we found a way to afford one, how would we afford another? If we found a way to afford two, how would we afford three? etc. You can see, my brain gets carried away when left to itself.

Now, so many of those questions have been answered - I have a daughter. We managed to afford it. We're still paying for the adoption, and will be for some time, but we're able to do it. My daughter loves me; I have no doubt. We're happy. We've made it this far. ... And yet, so many other questions have yet to be answered.

Tonight, my mind wanders to our future children -- children who may very well be here soon... children who may be far away. Tonight, I wish I had a crystal ball.

A million things...

I have a million things to say... I don't know where to start.

I'm in the process of composing a post, but it will probably be enormous... Stay tuned.

Wordless Thursday (since I missed Wednesday by an hour)

1 Year!

Dear Meerkat,
You've been one for nearly a month now, and you're more playful than ever. We can't keep you still... which is one reason that Mommy has taken so long to post this letter.

I can't believe it's been a year now since you were born. A year ago, on your birthday, I was anxious, nervous, excited, happy, worried, sick, and in love. You were the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. Your scrunched up little face and swollen cheeks were just begging to be kissed.

I could have held you forever. But, we felt like visitors for a lot of that day. We came and went, visited you, visited A, had meals, slept at our hotel, etc. We wanted so much to just take you home and snuggle you forever. Our hearts were so full of so many feelings. We loved you already. We couldn't have loved you more. And yet, our hearts were aching for A, who in the other room was facing one of the most difficult decisions of her life. We had no expectations, only hopes and dreams. And by the grace of God, A made those dreams come true. And we hope that you always think of A with love in your heart, especially on your birthday. She loves you so much, and I know she thinks of you often. Despite our heavy emotions that day, we were all very smiley, including A, whose story is for our families only. We love her so much, and we're so grateful that she blessed us with such a beautiful, smart, funny little girl.

Once we got you home, we couldn't have been more smitten. We didn't really cry at the hospital, but once we got you home, we couldn't hold back the tears. Daddy and Mommy just sat on the bed holding you, staring into your beautiful face, and cried together.

Oh, sweet girl, you had us wrapped around your finger. I didn't think it was possible to feel such strong attachment and responsibility for another human being. But those feelings were suddenly there, as if they had always been there. You were our daughter, and I would do anything for you. And as this year has passed, my heart has filled more and more and more.

I have been amazed at your development. You went from a small little baby who could do nothing to a small child who is beginning to walk around the house with a little bit of attitude. :)



I know this letter is different from the others, because it isn't filled with accomplishments, developments, etc. But I wanted to just spend some time letting you know how special you are, and how thankful we are for you. We love you so much. You've melted Mommy's heart, and you've made me feel so proud. I love to show you off to people and hear them compliment your beauty. I love to play games with you and make you laugh. I love everything about you, including your smelly little vinegar toes. Sometimes, I just sit and sniff them over and over again. One day you'll read this and think I'm crazy, but then later you'll have a child of your own, and you'll realize how intensely I love you and how much I cherish everything about you. I love your boogers. Can you believe that? Me, the woman who washes her hands a million times a day and worries about walking by garbage cans... the woman who panics over the thought of smelling bad, and who thinks looking at other people's feet is a little gross... Me... I would live between your toes, if I could.

Dear Meerkat, please always know in your heart just how much I love you. I know someday you'll be a teenager, and you'll think Mommy's mean or not cool. You'll get mad at me from time to time. I just hope that you will always carry in your heart the love I feel for you. You are the reason I live, work, breathe... the reason I wake in the morning. I'm so grateful for you. You and Daddy are my whole world, and I am so proud of my little family.



I love you!

<3,
Mommy

Happy to be 1

1st Birthday

Yes, Meerkat had her first birthday party, and it was a huge success!

I will be posting her monthly letter soon. Things have been hectic around here lately, due to having family in town for her birthday, and then the clean up and working that followed. So, anticipate that letter during this weekend.

In the meantime, enjoy some pictures from Meerkat's party:



I made Moo.se and Z.ee cupcakes and cake. The cupcakes turned out great, but the cake's feet fell off, and the antlers melted in the heat during transport and couldn't be attached. So, it was a sort of moose.





She didn't know what to do with the cake. She just poked at it awhile, and then put her hands in her hair. That was pretty much the extent of her cake eating. :)


She got lots of great presents, but she had more fun playing with the bows and making funny faces. :)


Three one year olds! My cousin's son, Meerkat, and my sister's son. :) So cute!!!

It was a busy time, but it was great. We all enjoyed the day, and Meerkat had a lovely birthday.

Stay tuned for the monthly update.