Dear 2010,

I feel like I'm writing an obituary for someone I love dearly. You are gone now, but I need to express my strong feelings for you, so I'm writing you this letter.

When you first came around, I wasn't expecting much. You started pretty dully, just my husband and I preparing pictures for our adoption profiles, preparing ourselves for a long wait. My mom was in the middle of a messy divorce (it was finalized, but she was still in the middle of the messy emotions). My sister was pregnant with my nephew, and just about to pop. My little cousin ("nephew") was a newborn, and my niece was just two days old when you first showed up. I was up to my elbows in other people's babies, and dealing with all the raw, ugly emotions that we infertiles have to wallow through in such situations. I was working a lot, and working an extra job to make money for the adoption. I was also taking my licensing exam to start work as a realtor, to also make more money for the adoption. I was soon to be working 4 jobs total, and that alone made you look like a daunting year.

Like I said, I didn't have high hopes for you. Sorry about that. I guess I should learn not to jump to conclusions.

Boy did you make me wrong. You have proven yourself to be one of the best years of my life, mainly for one reason. You were the year that made me a Mommy. March rolled around, and BOOM... my life was changed. We were matched, and you started to seem grand! Granted, there was still a lot of time for things to go wrong, but you just kept proving to be a better year than I could have dreamed.

When things started to get dicey, you always seemed to perk up. One minute, we would think things were rough... and then suddenly, something good happened. Once July rolled around, and our baby was laid in our arms, I knew you were truly something special. And, in November, when all was finalized... I could have just squealed with joy (and I probably did...) Wow, were you great!

Okay... so, you weren't all good. You are probably the most unhealthy year of my life. I have been sick so many times since you showed up. I've probably had 5 colds, a strange fever, a kidney infection, a UTI, a horrible antibiotic associated infection that has proven to be a bear to overcome, and 40 days worth of antibiotics. Not to mention, I had a number of my usual headaches. I was so unhealthy this year, in fact, that I was horribly sick the day my daughter was born. Remember that? Funny joke... heh.

But, despite all that, I met my daughter with you. And that makes you pretty daggone special in my book. I watched her see your seasons change for the first time. I watched her celebrate five whole months of her life with you. Five brilliant, gleaming, exciting months!

Oh, 2010, it's going to be hard to top becoming a first time mommy, but I have high hopes for the years that will follow you. They have a lot to live up to, but sharing those coming years alonside my husband and baby make me so excited for our future. Please know, as we celebrate Meerkat's first birthday in 2011, and as we watch her reach major milestones this year, that we will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remember you. We will talk about you forever. You were a "landmark year." Thank you for restoring my happiness, my hope, and my love for life.

God bless you, 2010. May others remember you as fondly as I will.

Wordless Wednesday

Sick... again...

Sorry I've been so lax in posting, but I've been busy and sick. The semester is over now, though, and I find myself with more free time. However, I am still sick. I've been sick now for over a month. I've been going back and forth to the doctor, and I've been on antibiotics for thirty days. I'm about to start another course.

If you pray, or send good vibes, or hope, or wish, please do one of those things for me. I can't take this much longer. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

5 Months!

Dear Meerkat,

See that picture up there? That's you this whole month - happy, happy, happy!!! Just when I think we've reached the "golden age" of babydom, you just get more fun! You smile all the time. You laugh so much. Every time Mommy and Daddy say "Hi Baby" in our high-pitched, baby-talk voice, you smile so big. This month you learned how to not just squeal with delight, but scream in delight, and you're delighted so often. You will just lay in your bed in the mornings, before we come in and get you, and squeal and scream and coo.

You've been content virtually the entire month. Though, yesterday, you did have a strange bout of screaming for no apparent reason. You just suddenly got a sad little puppy face and then started crying like a banshee. It was late, and we weren't home, so we think you were just extremely tired. I picked you up to comfort you and you snuggled your tear soaked face into my neck. I could cuddle with you all day long.

Mommy and Daddy had a week off work this month for Thanksgiving break, and OH MY! were we enjoying our time with you. It was so nice to wake up every morning and see your smiling face. We started to notice you followed a pretty strict nap schedule, even though we didn't put you on one. You are usually awake for 2-3 hours and then you sleep for an hour or two, and so on, until nightfall.

You still only drink every 4 hours, but you're up to six ounces at a feeding. And... you tried rice cereal for the first time this month! We started by feeding you rice cereal once every few days for the first couple weeks of the month. But now, we give it to you at dinner time, every night.



In the next couple weeks, we will start giving you oatmeal in the morning and rice cereal at night. We won't start veggies and fruits until six months. You love your rice cereal, though you were a little unsure of it at first. And still, if you're feeling a bit too hungry, you want your bottle more than the cereal, so I'll give you some of your bottle first, and then finish off the cereal.

But, your appetite isn't the only thing that started to grow this month. Your hair is starting to get very long! It's really curly, and only growing in the front top section of your head, but it's so cute!

You've learned a few new things this month. You rolled from tummy to back for the first time the other day, but you only did it once, and didn't do it again. It was like you just wanted to show us you knew how, but that you don't see the necessity.
Also, you've started reaching for things. You just suddenly became aware of the fact that you could hold things in your hands. One day you just decided to play with the little bird hanging from your carseat, and now you play with everything. If we put something in front of you, you grab it. You love to try to put things in your mouth, but you haven't quite mastered the motor skills to make this task easy. You can usually get things there with a bit of trial and error. You love to take your paci out of your mouth and then try to put it back in. Usually, you'll get it there, but you won't take your hand away fast enough, and you end up dropping it on the floor.




You found your feet too! You love to play with them, but you can't get them in your mouth yet. You play with them a lot.



My sweet girl, I hope that you always approach life with the enthusiasm of your fifth month. Life can be a blast! It's moments like the ones we share with you that make me feel so full of energy and life. I can't wait to spend all of December and half of January at home with you! Thank God for this job that allows me that possibility. I love you so much!

Wordless Wednesday

Thankful... (There really is some thankfulness in this post. Just wait for it...) :)

I've always enjoyed the holiday season. I love turkey; I love gravy; I love dessert; I love trimming the tree; I love opening and giving presents; etc. etc. etc. But, there's always been a part of me that dreads certain holiday moments.

My family has a tradition of going around the dining table and telling everyone what we are thankful for. Not that I'm ungrateful, but this part of Thanksgiving has been a struggle for me since the day I learned of my infertility. Of course I was grateful for my family, my job, yadda yadda. But, all of that paled in comparison to the deeper feelings I carried inside me. Even hearing my parents say "I'm thankful for my three beautiful children" sent daggers into my heart. Silly, right? I mean, of course they're thankful for their children, and I wouldn't expect them to feel otherwise! But, just thinking that I might not ever get to say those words was enough to send me reeling internally.

And Christmas time... well, let's just say there are certain aspects of Christmas that made it difficult... namely Mary. Yeah, you heard me right - Mary, mother of Jesus. I mean, COME ON GOD! Mary can get pregnant and doesn't even have to bat an eyelash. No man needed. Just sit, get visited by an angel, BOOM - PREGNANT! If that's not enough to make an infertile woman cringe, I don't know what is.

I hid it well enough. I'd give my thanks and then settle right into normal dinnertime conversation; I'd go to church, or read the Christmas story, but under my skin I was crawling with resentfulness to God. Who does he think he is? Why did that girl in my dorm get pregnant and toss her newborn baby into the dumpster to die? What did I do to be cursed so bad?

There are plenty of women out there struggling this holiday season, in the same way that I struggled every holiday for the past ten years. It breaks me to think of that. I almost didn't post this blog, because so many of my "blog" friends are still living with the sting of infertility. And, I know how much it drove me CRAZY! to hear people try to cheer me up, or tell me their happy stories. Every so often, I would share my pain with people, and I would get told "you'll get your baby someday" or "It's all in God's hands" or "One day you will have quite a testimony." My mom was the worst offender. And everytime she made a comment like this it just made my skin crawl. I tried to explain to her why I didn't want to hear it. It's like going up to someone who's just taken a bullet to the gut and saying "Don't worry, one day you won't feel that pain anymore, and then you'll have quite a testimony." Yeah, great... ONE DAY... SOME DAY... those words do not heal the pain of TODAY... RIGHT NOW!!!! Every part of me was screaming in pain on the inside, but I had to smile and nod and go home in a foul mood.

I knew they were right. Obviously, the pain would go away once I was healed of my problem. Right? I wouldn't still ache the way I did to carry a child when I was holding one in my arms. Right?

Yes, and no. I've healed. I am able to look forward to holidays now, and I am happier than I've ever been. But, I'm forever changed by my experience with infertility. Every so often, those phantom pains strike me... not the "I want to be a mommy" pains. That wound is closed up, never to be opened again. But now, there is a strange pang of guilt where the pain used to be. I feel bad spreading my happiness around on the internet for people who are struggling like I was to see. I feel guilty that I ever harbored such resentment to God. I feel guilty that I felt so horrible on holidays that I was spending with people I love. I feel guilty that I was ever jealous of someone else's child/pregnancy. And, I feel guilty that those feelings creep in every so often still. Yes, I have a child who I love more than life itself. But, I am still infertile; I still can't get pregnant; I still have to jump through a million hoops to bring my daughter a brother or sister.

But, (and this is the part where you might want to stop reading if you don't want to hear a bunch of mooshy, gooshy thankfulness) my mom was right. And I knew she was, even then... I just couldn't deal with it then. I am grateful this year... for so many things.

• Meerkat -- How can I possibly express to you the thankfulness I feel for you? I've tried, on numerous occassions to put my love for you into words, but none of them can quite express the way I feel. I LOVE you! Don't ever ever doubt that for one second. You are the reason I'm baking this holiday season. You're the reason I want to get a real tree instead of our dollar store version. You're the reason I almost stood up in the church the other day to "give my testimony" (and believe me, that's saying something). You, my little fuzzy girl, are the reason that I'm smiling so big this year. I am more thankful for you than I know how to say.


• My husband -- Wow! I love you! You've been a rock for me to lean on so many times during our relationship. You've helped me get through some things that I know were even difficult for you to get through. I love the way you look at me. I love the way you speak to me. I love everything about you. You've given me so much joy these last several years. I can't imagine my life without you. There is no better husband on this planet, and I'm 100% sure of that. We don't fight. We have fun. We share so much love. You're the best father I've ever seen. You share in all the housework and duties. And, I know that this seems natural to you, but there are so many men who are not like you. I really found my hidden treasure when I found you.


• Infertility -- While I hate you, infertility. While I want to kick you in your no-no spot, I'm thankful for you this year. Without you, infertility, I wouldn't have my baby girl. And, if it took going through all that pain to get to this baby, I'd do it again 10,000,000,000 times.

• A -- You are so thoughtful. You've sent us pictures of Meerkat's half-brother and sister. You've kept in contact with us. You've given us the gift of parenthood. I am so very thankful for you this, and every, year. I hope that you are having a wonderful, peaceful Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Our thoughts are constantly with you. <3
  

• Family -- I have a pretty unique family. They keep things interesting. I'm so grateful that I have them in my life. My brother, my sister, my mom, my grandma, my mother and father in-law, my brothers and sisters in-law, my nieces, my nephews -- I'm so grateful for you all. I love you with all of my heart. You make life enjoyable, just by being so dog-gone funny and sweet.


• Father -- this is a unique one, and he gets his own category. Dad, there are aspects of you and your life that I'm not thankful for, but you know that. It should come as no surprise to you that I'm angry for some of the things you've put our family through. But, I'm thankful this year. I am thankful that you are not drinking right now... and I hope that continues. I'm thankful that you have been being nice to mom... I'm thankful that you're getting to see your grandchildren. Please know somewhere in your heart that I'm thinking of you always. Yes, I'm mad at you. That won't change. But, I'm thankful you're my dad.


• The standards -- Job, health (when I'm in good health), and home. I'm very happy that I have all of these things. They sure do make life a lot more liveable. :)
  

Now, let's get these holidays started. I'm ready to make up for lost time!

Four Month Stats!

Weight: 15 lbs. 2 oz.

Length: 25 1/4 inches

Head Circumfrence: 16.5 inches

(She also just tried rice cereal for the first time recently. You can tell by the picture how happy she was about it.)