My sister is pregnant.
I've known this for awhile now, but wasn't allowed to say anything until she made it public. Now it is.
So. My sister is pregnant.
I'm excited to meet this little one. I'm overwhelmed by the joy of a new baby in the family.
It's a little surreal to be honest with you. I'm her elder by eight years and I always thought I would be the first to give my mom a grandbaby.
But now, my sister is pregnant.
I feel like it needs that space around it. It's like, I can't really comprehend it. I can't wiggle myself into that place where it's me and her enjoying this ride together as sisters who are about to be a mom and an auntie. I feel like an outsider, watching it all happen but not participating. We're both happy, but we're happy separately. And, I know she probably feels the same about our situation. She is happy for our process. She is excited to be an aunt to our future baby. But, she's watching us and feeling disconnected from our journey.
MY LITTLE SISTER IS PREGNANT!
I've seen the ultrasounds. I've driven her to appointments. I've cooed and awed over her growing belly. I'm genuinely happy for her. I am involved. But, something in me feels separated from the process.
And I'm not.
And I never will be.
I've dealt with my infertility in the past. But, I don't think the wound ever really goes away. It hurts. Even in the middle of such happiness and excitement, it still hurts.
I feel I need to write this because I promised in our "about us" section that we would chronicle our fears, the ins and outs, etc. etc. etc. And this is a big part of adoption, right? Dealing with infertility head on? Not approaching it on tippy toe and pretending that "I'm over it."
In order to BE over it, I have to GET over it. And I can't GET over it if I stay away from it...
So here I am.
And here it is:
I am upset when I hear pregnant women complaining about being pregnant.
I am sad that my sister's belly is filled with movement for the first time and she can feel it, but I can't.
I am jealous. And, I'm angry with myself for being jealous.
I am upset that we have to take classes to be allowed to parent a child, but fertile couples don't.
I am sad that most women wait nine months for their babies and I don't know how long we'll have to wait for ours.
BUT. And this is a big BUT. I am honestly happy to be an aunt. I can't wait to rub that baby's fluffy head. I can't wait to spoil him rotten.
I've mourned the inability to have biological children. I'm so happy to adopt. But, I don't think I ever truly dealt with the loss of the pregnancy itself ... not the baby, just the pregnancy aspect of it... the road to that baby. I guess I didn't give it as much thought because I was so consumed by the thought of not having a child . Now, I'm consumed by the thought of not having a child.
I'm not hiding my feelings. My family knows how I feel. They know that I'm hurting. But they also know that I am thrilled with my family being formed through adoption and all the possibilities that brings. I'm happy to be on a different road, sometimes I just wish I could give the other one a try. :)
This "adoption road" has two lanes... one is coping with the infertility, the other is the excitement of the adoption process. They both head the same direction. they are connected. It's possible to travel in either lane at any given time and still head straight toward our destination - our baby. It's cheesy, it's hokey... but it gives me comfort.
So my sister's pregnant.
And, I'm not.
And that's okay.
I think he looks like me. ;)
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