Sunday, August 22, 2010

So much...

I have so much going on right now... Let me try to express it to you:
  • I have so much to do this week! Finishing up syllabi for my classes tonight. Showing houses throughout the week. Washing loads of laundry--though my loving husband has been doing this mostly, so I might get out of it ;) And although my husband is doing most of the house chores lately (God bless him!), I can't shake the feeling that there's still so much to do. As soon as we dust, we need to dust. As soon as we sweep the floors, a hairball floats down the stairs and settles in the hallway. As soon as we wash a load of dishes, every bottle in the house is dirty. And the baby clothes... Oh. My. Gosh. We have to wash them a lot, and my how they increase the laundry work load. I am thankful though, because Meerkat does not soil her clothing. We only change her clothes once or twice a day. I know from my sister's experience that most babies go through many more outfits a day... aiaiai.

I have so much dread. School starts tomorrow. The normal dread I have for starting up in the Fall pales in comparison to what I feel this year. As much as I love teaching, it is always hard to leave the beauty of summer behind and fall into the rigorous and demanding teaching schedule college requires. No more sleepy summer days. No more late night TV. Now, it's back to grading every day; poor student attitudes; plagiarism cases; lesson planning; reading and reading; etc. Again - I love my job... it's just hard to make that transition with the seasons. And this year is even worse. Not only am I leaving behind muggy, nap-filled summer days - but I'm leaving behind muggy, nap-filled summer days with my baby! Oh how I love how she curls up on my chest, stretching her little arms and breathing that heavy baby breath. Oh how I love wiping the milk as it drips down her chin. Oh how I love her vacant little stares in the middle of the day. And now I will be spending less time enjoying these things... I can no longer dedicate my every hour to Meerkat, as much as I would like to. Now, I have to dedicate some time to work. BOO! HISS! But how thankful I am for the timing of this adoption. I would never have been allowed maternity leave at my job, so these past six weeks with Meerkat have been pure HEAVEN!

  • I have so much anxiety lately. Meerkat was VERY fussy this week. Thankfully, the last couple days she's been much happier, but earlier this week, I was in tears constantly. She would scream and scream, and nothing would calm her. I'd hold her; I'd feed her; I'd rock her; I'd change her. She just wanted to scream. If she wasn't asleep, she was screaming. There were no happy, contented baby moments on those days. I know it's irrational, but I found myself questioning our bond. I worried that she wasn't feeling connected to me, that maybe I was doing something wrong. I know these are normal mommy fears... but boy were they real to me. I just held her and cried with her. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her. We went on a walk around the neighborhood, and I explained to her my feelings. Of course she doesn't understand, but it helped me sort out my feelings and understand hers. She just needed her baby moment, and I was taking it personally. And when she'd curl herself into me at the end of the day as I rocked her to sleep, I cried again. This baby loves me; she needs me. And I need her. And my God I love her with a love so strong it crushes me right to my knees.

I have so much to be thankful for. As stressed, sleep-deprived, anxious, and nervous as I've felt these past few days, I am equally thankful. I am truly blessed. I have a husband who shares 50/50 in the workload around here (heck sometimes he does more like 75% of the work). He cares for our baby the same as me. He gets up with her; He changes her; He feeds her; He praises her; He plays with her. I watch him and I realize that all the love I've felt for him over the last five years has just been put under a magnifying glass. I swell with pride watching him. That's my husband. And that's my baby. I could sit and watch them together all day long.


kate said...

Thank you for your posts. My throat chokes up with happiness for you and your beautiful little blessing. You make me believe again that I can find wholeness after losing so many of my biological babies. You remind me that the emptiness is not forever and that sometimes there is an inexpressible beauty in life not working out how we want it to. You encourage me to jump in with both feet into the wonderful world of adoption. You give me hope. Thank you.