Here I sit, on a lonely Saturday night, missing my husband who is away working for the weekend. I pick him up bright and early in the morning, meaning I should be sleeping so I can wake up and get meerkat ready and head out the door. But, I can't sleep...
I've had a headache all day, and when I get these headaches, it usually affects my mood and makes me feel a bit down in the dumps. Combine that with a sleeping baby, quiet house, tons of work to do, and a list of things that need doing that will never end, and you have one rattled woman. I'm not rattled in the sense that I'm depressed or unnerved... I just contemplate a lot in times like these. A lot a lot...
I tend to think about the future when I'm in these moods. In the past, I would ponder whether or not I would ever be a mommy. I would question God and the Universe about why exactly I was "cursed" with this horrible condition that causes me to be infertile. I would wonder if we would ever have enough money to afford adoption. I wondered if we would ever be chosen. I wondered if we would be happy. Would we make it? Would our baby love us and think of us as her parents? Would we want an open adoption? Would we want a foster/adopt scenario? Would we want an infant? Would we do international adoption? Would we try to get a surrogate? What would we do? Would I be an "old" mother? Would I have a big family, like I've always dreamed of? Where would the money come from? If we found a way to afford one, how would we afford another? If we found a way to afford two, how would we afford three? etc. You can see, my brain gets carried away when left to itself.
Now, so many of those questions have been answered - I have a daughter. We managed to afford it. We're still paying for the adoption, and will be for some time, but we're able to do it. My daughter loves me; I have no doubt. We're happy. We've made it this far. ... And yet, so many other questions have yet to be answered.
Tonight, my mind wanders to our future children -- children who may very well be here soon... children who may be far away. Tonight, I wish I had a crystal ball.
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