Fostering Attachment

This post is probably going to be all over the place. I just need to get some thoughts out, and this is the place. I will ramble, and it may become "pep-talky" but it must be said. And, if someone else fostering, or someone considering it, is having these feelings, maybe my thoughts will help them feel less alone.

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Albeit cheesy/punny, I think the title of this post is quite appropriate when it comes to attachment in foster care. It is something that must be fostered/encouraged/cultivated in order to grow.

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Don't get me wrong, I feel an attachment to little Mr. In fact, when he first joined our family, I felt such a strong love for him that I was surprised. He immediately felt like a member of the family, despite knowing that he wouldn't be staying long. But over time, I've come to question my level of attachment... and this is, in part, due to his age (I think).

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He's two. As a result, he throws tantrums (and toys) when he doesn't get his way. He screams "Iowannit" (I don't want it) to EVERYTHING. And recently, he's started adding to this phrase "Iowanpotty" (I don't want potty) "Iowantookie" (I don't want cookie) "Iowandobet" (I don't want go bed). He hits Meerkat. He tattles. He pushes boundaries and smiles while he's doing it.

It drives me absolutely insane. And I find myself lashing out (yelling) when I shouldn't. It's not like we're yelling all the time, but if you know us personally, you know it's very unlike us to yell at all. We're quite peaceful people. So, when I see my husband about to tear his own hair out because little Mr. has just forced himself to throw up so he wouldn't have to eat pasta, it makes me question things.

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The first thought was, "maybe we're not attaching. Maybe because he's going home, we're not feeling the connection we need in order to be patient during a vomitfest." I guess to some extent that makes sense. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that's just not it. Despite knowing that Mr. is going to go back to his parents someday, I would do anything for him. The connection is there. There's no doubt about it. When he cries, it breaks my heart. When he's sick, I want to snuggle him forever. When he goes to daycare, and I creep out the front door and watch him wander into the other room to play, I feel so proud and happy that he's beginning to like it there. When he says something new or does something smart (which is A LOT of the time), I am so proud I could burst.

But maybe the attachment is different than the attachment I have with Meerkat, to some extent. And I don't know if that's a bad thing.

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We are learning as we go. So is Mr. He has never been in foster care before. He goes back and forth between here, his parents, and daycare. How could we ever expect him to behave 100% of the time? It's insane! He loves us; it's obvious. We love him; there's no doubt about it. But we have to cultivate the attachment and keep it strong. It's very important to keep that doubt... those little clouds of "what if" and "what's wrong with me" from taking over. If those thoughts take over, it will drive a wedge into the attachment that's already there. I believe that wholeheartedly.

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This isn't the attachment post I planned to write. I still have things to say about attachment in foster care, and the parents role in that. I will compose that post in a little while... for now, I need to mush around in my thoughts for awhile. :)